"(in a 750th anniversary of Today) Thou art listening to 'Today', and just checking Stonehenge I can see that the time is approximately...spring! (laughter) Past seven."

"£250,000. 22 identical sealed boxes. A tiny, tiny beard. And no questions, except one. Where the hell do I buy my shirts?"

"You're back. Thought you would be. Let's face it you're watching television at half past four in the afternoon. Not as though you're busy."

"Twenty-two unemployed people. A quarter of the budget of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and no questions. No skill, and no idea why I get so worked up about the whole thing."

"Inside this box is either £35,000 or an enraged snake. Lucy, you've rejected every deal the banker has offered you, you've refused to swap boxes, you're tolerating me standing far, far too close to you. Lucy, keep smiling but above all, keep your face free of corrosive snake venom."

"Today, Chel-sea has won / To win, that is my job / To lose, that is to die / The league, it will be mine / A god, you're lookin' at one / And now the end is near."

"And will you hand me back me amazin' COAT OF POW-WER!"

"Sweden, where I was designed and built"

"Play "Dress up" with David Beckham, "Pin the Metatarsal" on the Rooney, and "Climb a swing" on Peter Crouch"

"I am like a peaceful lake ... filled with concrete"

"It is very bad news. They now no longer can afford basic necessities like champagne, Aston Martins, or topless maid service."

"Owen Hargreaves will be unable to afford his first-class ticket to the World Cup, so it might be more good than bad."

"They have gotten second jobs. Wayne Rooney has hired himself out as a gorilla-gram, Theo Walcott is doing his classmate's schoolwork, and Peter Crouch is a dancer for Craftsmart."

"They won't play well. And that's why I have 20 grand on Brazil. (does the Svenny dance)"

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure."

"You are Autons from the planet Tossoss!"

"[Making a prank call to the British Embassy in Berlin] Ah, is this the British Embassy? (Yes.) Ah, good evening. I am calling to warn you of an imminent Dalek invasion. (I see, sir. Can I get your name and address?) The Doctor, 325 Gallifrey Centre! [Hangs up]"

"I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when I'm Peter Davison. Better yet, wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy."

"(When a voiceover in the London Eye advises people to move to get their photo taken) Don't do it. It's a trap!"

"I travel in space and time ... and on trains"

"You are Australian, do you know my companion Tegan Jovanka? She had marvelous norks. I once asked her if I gave her five bucks if she would rub them together."

"1245, a wonderful year."

"This party's dryer than the dark side of the planet Aurelia. [spikes the eggnog and begins laughing sinisterly before sneaking away]"

"Oh, another scarf, well that's just what I need."

"Do you have change for a Gallifrian zonk?"

"You call yourself the train guard when in fact you are really THE MASTER."

"(comes out of toilet) Gaseous sulphides; low concentration; I'd give it twenty minutes."

"(when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!"

"When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair."

"Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!"