"Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!"."

"I'm Kirsty Allsopp. I wasn't born, I was knitted"

"And I'm Phil Spencer, half man…"

"I'm Professor Robert Winston, the only Super Mario brother who didn't become a plumber" and "I'm Professor Robert Winston, a shrink-wrapped version of Tom Selleck."

"Hello I'm Nicky Hambleton-Jones, the body of a Barbie doll, the soul of a Great White Shark!"

"Hello I'm Bill Oddie. Half man, Half compost heap."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, the missing link between man and shrub."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. I used to be big in the seventies, but then again - so was the three day week."

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie. Don't be frightened of my beard, it's just to make predators think I'm bigger than I really am."

"Hello, I'm Gabby Logan, half woman, half jockstrap!"

"I'm Graham Norton, the last Kenneth Williams in the shop."

"I am Anne Robinson: Judge Dredd in an Armani trouser suit and I will be obeyed!"

"Hello, I'm Stellios [Haji-Ioannou]. The beloved lovechild of Pavarotti and a shish kebab."

"My name is William Hague, Conservative Party Leader. And I refuse to be referred to as the illegitimate spawn of Ann Widdecombe and Nicholas Parsons."

"Hello, and welcome to Bargain Hunt, with me, David Dickinson, the love child of Peter Stringfellow and a mahogany hat stand."

"I'm Jeremy Kyle, pimp my Kilroy..."

"I'm Jeremy Kyle, no you can't have your dinner money back!"

"Hi, I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak it would say, "Hi I'm Nick Ross"."

"Hello, I'm John Craven, just think of me as a decaffeinated Nick Ross."

"Hello, I'm Gillian McKeith, Pol Pot in a lab coat"

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!"

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Not a lot of people know that."

"I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…"

"My fellow animaniacs…"

"My fellow Ugly Bettys..."

"My fellow amoeboids…"

"My fellow watermelons…"

"My fellow pelicans…"

"My fellow umbrellastands…"

"My fellow sea-beavers…"

"My fellow ostriches…"

"My fellow Bulgarians…"

"My fellow Abi Titmuses…"

"My fellow Algorithms…"

"My fellow Merkins…"

"My fellow crustaceans..."

"[Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…"

"You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…"

"Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers."

"The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins."

"Former President, Bill Clitoris…"

"My fellow cabinet members, Donald Rumsfeld and Basmati Rice…"

"Abu Musab al-Safari and the Iraqi detergents are vanished."

"Yassir Crackerjack and the Polyunsaturated people."

"[After a long speech] I hope I have made myself queer."

"As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announcified that he would be resumerating their nucular program."

"Al-Kapowwow"

"People of Britain, starey eyes, sweaty palms, receding hairline, yesterday I announced…"