"Je conseille à un auteur né copiste, et qui a l’extrême modestie de travailler d’après quelqu’un, de ne se choisir pour exemplaires que ces sortes d’ouvrages où il entre de l’esprit, de l’imagination, ou même de l’érudition: s’il n’atteint pas ses originaux, du moins il en approche, et il se fait lire. Il doit au contraire éviter comme un écueil de vouloir imiter ceux qui écrivent par humeur, que le cœur fait parler, à qui il inspire les termes et les figures, et qui tirent, pour ainsi dire, de leurs entrailles tout ce qu’ils expriment sur le papier: dangereux modèles et tout propres à faire tomber dans le froid, dans le bas et dans le ridicule ceux qui s’ingèrent de les suivre. En effet, je rirais d’un homme qui voudrait sérieusement parler mon ton de voix, ou me ressembler de visage."

"Il faut chercher seulement à penser et à parler juste, sans vouloir amener les autres à notre goût et à nos sentiments; c’est une trop grande entreprise."

"What is the reason that we laugh so freely in a theatre but are ashamed to weep? ... It is not thought odd to hear a whole theatre ring with laughter at some passage of a comedy, but, on the contrary, it implies that it was funny, and very naturally performed; ... the natural result of lofty tragedy should be to make us all weep without concealment and publicly."

"La gloire ou le mérite de certains hommes est de bien écrire; et de quelques autres, c’est de n’écrire point."

"Horns and Hoofs ("Рога и копыта"), an ironical placeholder name for a business engaged in shady or dubious activity. A company with this name was established by Bender to make things look official."

"Sitz-Chairman (зиц-председатель, zits-predsedatel), a strawman chairman. The Horns and Hoofs was headed by Sitz-Chairman Funt. The title is a bilingual Russian-Yiddish pun. The Yiddish word "sitzen" means "to sit", which in Russian connotes "doing time". Also "Sitz" has legal meanings similar to the English "seat". The sole function of a Sitz-Chairman was to do prison time when (not "if"!) the time comes (Compare Sitz-redakteur, a person hired by a 19th century German newspaper for the same purpose). One notable modern usage: "Зицпредседатель" is the Russian title for the film The Hudsucker Proxy."

"Children of Lt. Schmidt (Дети лейтенанта Шмидта), a term for small-time con artists. In the book, it was found that there are thirty men and four women impersonating the offspring of Pyotr Schmidt, in order to get money from the government."

"Beer is served only to members of the trade union ("Пиво отпускается только членам профсоюза"), an enduring parody of the Soviet system of privileges."

"We don't need any louds around here. We're louds ourselves."

"Cold soft-boiled eggs are a very tasteless food, and a good, cheerful person would never eat it. But Alexander Ivanovich did not eat, he fed. He did not have breakfast, but carried out the physiological process of introducing the required amount of fats, carbohydrates and vitamins into his body."

"You provide the gasoline, we'll provide the ideas."

"Pedestrians just need to be loved. Pedestrians comprise the larger part of humanity. More than that: its better part."

"Oh, you thought. So you think sometimes, is that it? You're a thinker. What's your name, Great Thinker? Spinoza? Jean-Jacques Rousseau? Marcus Aurelius?"

"I honor the Criminal Code. It's my weakness."

"Now I will have to become a building superintendent! ("Придется переквалифицироваться в управдомы" - the last line of the book). Spoken after one's dreams have been crushed and harsh reality is setting in."

"No, this is not Rio de Janeiro. ("Нет, это не Рио-де-Жанейро"). Used to describe anything that isn't quite all it's cracked up to be. In the book, it is Ostap Bender's hint to his dream to get rich and move to Rio de Janeiro, to walk in white pants under the bright sun."

"Keep on sawing, Shura, keep on sawing! ("Пилите, Шура, пилите!"). This ironic phrase refers to an enterprise which is about to fail, especially when continued effort only serves to postpone the inevitable moment of disaster and punishment - a situation known as "death march" in software development. In the novel, two hapless crooks stole kettlebells thinking they had gold cores. The original text in the book omits "Shura", but popular versions usually add the name as above, or alternatively: Keep on sawing, Shura, it is surely golden!"

"Materialization of spirits and Free elephants ("Материализация духов и раздача слонов")."

"This is a clipping from the Little Soviet Encyclopedia. Listen to what it says here about Rio de Janeiro: ‘Population one million three hundred and sixty thousand… So.… ‘a considerable number of mulattoes… at the large bay in the Atlantic Ocean…’ Here, here!… ‘in the wealth of stores and the grandeur of buildings its main streets rival those of the largest cities of the world.’ Can you imagine that? Rival! Mulattoes, bay, export coffee! In other words, coffee dumping. A Charleston entitled ‘My Girl Has a Little Thing,’ and… But what’s the use of talking? You can see for yourself what’s going on. One and a half million people, and all of them to a man in white trousers. I want to go away from here. In the course of the last year grave differences have developed between the Soviet government and me."

"An automobile is not a luxury, but a means of transportation ("Автомобиль — не роскошь, а средство передвижения"). The phrase, reminiscent of Soviet style propaganda, saw some usage within the Eastern Bloc. More recently (circa 1989), Mircea Dinescu opined, A wife is not a luxury, but a means of transportation (referring to people who took Western spouses in order to emigrate)."

"I've said it before... science is elitist. Making rules, setting boundaries, constantly telling us what is and isn't flammable - all without input from the very people who are expected to abide by those laws. I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation."

"I Am America And So Can You was co-written by a six week old lab puppy named Riley. Jimmy, roll the tape. [Footage of Stephen sitting at a desk with a computer, with a lab puppy in his lap.] Let it out, whatever you wanna type. You just type away, You just type away. That's right, if they don't support the war, then they're phony soldiers. That's right, grrr [Using the dog's paws to type.] Ooh, spell check says that's wrong."

"What's wrong with NPR? Just listen to Morning Edition. This is by far the least zany "Morning Zoo" ever to hit the airwaves. Instead of the get-up-and-go-larity provided by your local Scott and Tom, or Ted and Zeke, or Denise and Santana, or Coyote Mike and The Beemer, Morning Edition presents NPR's measured barbituate vibe. It's a wonder the lefties who wake up to it are able to get out of bed."

"Ever have a nagging suspicion you're poor? I know my staff does."

"Suddenly, the world was divided. White people had their drinking fountains, and Black people had their drinking fountains. White people had their schools, and Black people had their drinking fountains."

"So let's take that beautiful idea to its logical conclusion and not only leave the past behind but deny the past ever happened. Like this: America is not a land of immigrants. There. Was that so hard to say? It makes sense if you think about it. It feels like we've been here forever, doesn't it? Let's just assume we have been."

"Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, "All right, buddy, drop that book.""

"Sex is like the death penalty: One outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out."

"The biggest threat facing America today - next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle - is Gay Marriage."

"The Abstinence Bases:"

"Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her. If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I'm not sure I want to make those sacrifices."

"It's frighteningly intimate and, worst of all, you've got no control. It's like breaking up with a girl in person."

"Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews! If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kill her—kill her."

"A whole bunch of magical beings based on different parts of nature? That's not a religion, that's Pokemon. Which shows how Shinto hooks you - once you've prayed to a few spirits, you've "gotta catch 'em all!""

"Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or "heresy"."

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."

"Terrible name for a war. Never set a date for withdrawal."

"Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards."

"Agnostics: Atheists without balls."

"I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it."

"Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"Pointing out an adversary's flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing."

"A messy home sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise, Mom would dust.""

"Diving: Not sure what the big achievement is in walking off the end of a plank and succumbing to gravity. Big deal. To really make the divers demonstrate some skill, the diving events should be held in a zero-G environment like the International Space Station."

"To me, Wigfield is a deeply funny, refreshingly original book, but to be fair, it is the first book I've ever read."

"I would like to dedicate this book to all the good people in charge of nominating books for the Pulitzer Prize. Now, I don't know exactly who you people are, but I do know that whoever hands out those Pulitzer Prizes is on the stick. They are a sharp crowd who I would wager are also very attractive. So once again, kudos to the whole Pulitzer crew. They do a great job, and by saying this I mean to take none of the glory away from the wonderful men and women working at the National Book Award. Thank you."

"I love to party, that's not a crime, although I have done some time as a result, but that's not a crime either."

"People are refusing my requests for interviews and lodging. Last night, at what I considered to be a diner, the homeowner refused to serve me. The once affable strippers used to seem pleased when I tucked a little something inside their G-strings, now they insist that something be money. This isn't about me. I'm just worried about the town and what it's not doing for me."

"God, animals are stupid. They will do anything I force them to."