"Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle."

"[breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!"

"Fine! The gloves are off God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!"

"I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!"

"I've always thought that Life of Brian was the best thing Python did by quite a long shot."

"Graham Chapman:"

"John Cleese:"

"Terry Gilliam:"

"Eric Idle:"

"Sue Jones-Davies"

"Terry Jones:"

"Kenneth Colley:"

"What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem."

"Michael Palin:"

"Now, you listen here: 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now go away!"

"So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, "Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care." [storms off] I might have known it would end up like this. Sex, sex. That's all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to."

"And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock..."

"A man shall strike his donkey."

"... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah..."

"Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... [music]"

"Oh, what I wouldn't give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face."

"You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!"

"A motion picture destined to offend nearly two thirds of the civilized world. And severely annoy the other third."

"See the movie that's controversial, sacrilegious, and blasphemous. But if that's not playing, see The Life of Brian."

"Honk if you love Brian."

"The film that is so funny it was banned in Norway."

"He wasn't the messiah. He was a very naughty boy."

"Just when you thought you were saved..."

"Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic."