"I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates."

"I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one..."

"Ryan Gosling - Jacob Palmer"

"This Is Crazy"

"Emma Stone - Hannah Weaver"

"You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes.""

"I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working."

"Julianna Guill - Madison"

"[to Jacob] Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!"

"Analeigh Tipton - Jessica Riley"

"Tim Heidecker - Doug Price"

"Jessica St. Clair - Whitney"

"Michael Hitchcock - Don"

"Rebel Wilson - Brynn"

"Jon Hamm - Ted (uncredited)"

"Matt Lucas - Gil"

"Chris O'Dowd - Officer Rhodes"

"Ellie Kemper - Becca"

"Jill Clayburgh - Annie's mother"

"Melanie Hutsell - Carol"

"Andy Buckley - Perry Harris"

"Maya Rudolph - Lillian Donovan"

"Kristen Wiig - Annie Walker"

"Rose Byrne - Helen Harris III"

"Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards."

"I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution."

"[to Annie, after sex] This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick."

"Melissa McCarthy - Megan Price"

"You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're shitting in the street!"

"It's coming out of me like lava!"

"Wendi McLendon-Covey - Rita"

"This is some classy sh-... [burp] I want to apologize. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of."

"Kelly Preston - Vicki Greer, Dan's wife"

"Seth Green - Craig White"

"Robin Williams - Dan Rayburn"

"Sit. Stay. Play Dad."

"Life is Not Child-Proof"

"Ella Bleu Travolta - Emily Greer, Dan & Vicki's daughter"

"John Travolta - Charlie Reed"

"[reading fine print from one of Dan's prescription bottles] Watch out for sudden loss of depth perception?"

"Lori Loughlin - Amanda Reed"

"Whoa, does this drink come with a diving board? It's insane!"

"Matt Dillon - Troop Leader Barry"

"Rita Wilson - Jenna"