Magazines

"You can't go home again. At least that's what your parents will tell you on Graduation Day. (#407 – 07/2001)"

"Understatement is a zillion times more effective than exaggeration. (#408 – 08/2001)"

"Every dog has its day — but that day still consists largely of sniffing butts. (#410 – 10/2001)"

"The most troublesome side effect of many prescription drugs is that they make you feel well enough to go back to work. (#411 – 11/2001)"

"It's not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work — it's the pay. (#412 – 12/2001)"

"People who live in glass houses are a Reality TV producer's dream come true. (#413 – 01/2002)"

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And the same is true for all your other classes. (#414 – 02/2002)"

"If you lend someone your ear, don't expect to be repaid with interest. (#415 – 03/2002)"

"The problem with instant gratification is that it often takes too long. (#416 – 04/2002)"

"Why is it that when someone's fighting to get in the last word, it's never "Sorry"? (#417 – 05/2002)"

"For some, following in their parents' footsteps is more like a forced march. (#418 – 06/2002)"

"Most people are so concerned about getting in the last word, they ignore all the previous ones. (#420 – 08/2002)"

"Most bosses never lift a finger at work — unless it's to point out something you did wrong. (#421 – 09/2002)"

"Many an election is won by the candidate who can fake sincerity better. (#422 – 10/2002)"

"You can avoid many a close shave by not working yourself up into a lather. (#423 – 11/2002)"

"Just because you put your foot down doesn't mean it won't end up in your mouth. (#424 – 12/2002)"

"Parents are the ones who are there when you want to be alone with a date and nowhere to be found when you need five bucks. (#425 – 01/2003)"

"It used to be that after years of service, your company would give you a gold watch. Now you're lucky if they give you the time of day. (#426 – 02/2003)"

"Money can't buy happiness — but it can rent it repeatedly. (#427 – 03/2003)"

"Before you buy a new mattress, you should probably sleep on it. (#428 – 04/2003)"

"Plenty of people believe in energy conservation — mainly their own. (#429 – 05/2003)"

"More people would think for themselves if someone just told them to. (#430 – 06/2003)"

"To avoid repeating the mistakes of your father, start by not marrying your mother. (#431 – 07/2003)"

"A monkey dressed like a man is still a monkey. But a man dressed like a monkey is a horse's ass. (#432 – 08/2003)"

"If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, it must be a very short walk. (#433 – 09/2003)"

"A gambler who thinks he has a "can't lose" system for winning at blackjack isn't playing with a full deck. (#434 – 10/2003)"

"Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it. (#435 – 11/2003)"

"Youth is like money — it's only after it's gone that you finally realize how you should have spent it. (#436 – 12/2003)"

"Sometimes it seems like only masochists do unto others as they would have done unto themselves. (#437 – 01/2004)"

"Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place. (#438 – 02/2004)"

"The only time most people are modest is in describing their own faults. (#439 – 03/2004)"

"Most parents' idea of "sound advice" is suggesting that you shut up. (#440 – 04/2004)"

"Most people still believe in a hard day's work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two. (#441 – 05/2004)"

"Whoever said "fighting never solves anything" obviously never won a fight. (#442 – 06/2004)"

"More Americans would speak out on the obesity problem — but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full. (#443 – 07/2004)"

"If ignorance is bliss, you'd think people would be happier when you pointed out what morons they are. (#444 – 08/2004)"

"It's true that school prepares you for a job — in both, you sit behind a desk being bored all day. (#445 – 09/2004)"

"When you put someone on a pedestal, it just makes it easier for them to look down on you. (#446 – 10/2004)"

"Quitting smoking is easy... compared to a former smoker talk about quitting. (#447 – 11/2004)"

"Whoever said "Charity begins at home" obviously never asked for a raise in allowance. (#448 – 12/2004)"

"Your parents are right when they say they won't always be there to fight your battles for you — that's because they'll be the ones you're fighting against. (#450 – 02/2005)"

"Parents who complain that you're not going anywhere in life are the same ones who refuse to give you a lift to the mall. (#451 – 03/2005)"

"Nowadays, it seems like the biggest difference between a man's wife and his boss is that when the government comes looking for a handout, the honeymoon is really over. (#452 – 04/2005)"

"People who swear they'll stick to their diet usually end up eating their words. (#453 – 05/2005)"

"Whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" obviously never cut class. (#454 – 06/2005)"

"Parents are the ones who never listen to a word you say — until you mutter something under your breath. (#455 – 07/2005)"

"The problem with being smart is that most people are too stupid to notice. (#456 – 08/2005)"

"Politicians only display creative thinking when making excuses after they get caught doing something illegal. (#457 – 09/2005)"

"Parents treat their kids like teeth — they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done. (#387 – 11/1999)"

"If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they'd ask for it. (#388 – 12/1999)"