"[trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! I'm fucking Adam's sister! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen! Little Tiny Jacobs!"

"Here's a question: Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question: Do I give a fuck?"

"Why don't you shut your slut mouth and mind your own fucking business?"

"If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick."

"[to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!"

"Maybe what you need isn't in here. Maybe what you need has been in here all along."

"Enrique fuckin' Iglesias!"

"[on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?"

"It must be some kind of hot tub time machine... [deadpans into camera]"

"[upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka."

"[pretending to speak Russian] D-d-do svidanya! Do svidanya! Martina Navratilova... "Smirnoff Ice"... Priviet! Na zdorovie!"

"Tom Leopold - Stan"

"Christopher Lloyd - Larry"

"Jeffrey Tambor - Jinx"

"Ann Jillian - Joan"

"Miriam Flynn - Annette"

"Martin Mull - Ron Richardson"

"Brittany White - Megan Butler"

"Courtney White - Megan Butler"

"Taliesin Jaffe - Kenny Butler"

"Frederick Koehler - Alex Butler"

"Teri Garr - Caroline Butler"

"Michael Keaton - Jack Butler"

"Caroline's a rising executive. Jack just lost his job. Jack's going to have to start from the bottom up."

"When mom goes to work, dad goes berserk!"

"Doris (TV Repairwoman): Are you crazy? You fed a baby chili!"

"Annette: Hello Jack? I'm Annette. You're doing it wrong."

"[to Jinx] You yell at my kid like that again, I'm knockin' you out!"

"Kenny, don't paint your sister!"

"[Trying to get Kenny to give up his security blanket] I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious."

"Honey, you gave me some real good advice once, so let me give you some of my own. It's real easy to forget what's important, so don't."

"Honey if you call and I'm not home I'll be at the gym or the gun club."

"Your Mom calls the vacuum cleaner "jaws"?"

"I could be gay."

"This is going to sound dumb, but, it really works. Whenever you can, throw the word sexy - into a conversation. Its a kind of a signal. Like, um, there's something really sexy about strobe lights. Or, eh, this fabric is so sexy."

"Taylor Nichols - Ted Boynton"

"Tara Subkoff - Holly"