"Pointless act! You don't give a 500 dollar tip to the housekeeper! That's inappropriate! That's inexcusable! That, I don't forgive! What were you thinking? What were you thinking?"

"Okay. There, you see the star is me, right there, and I'll be in there. The X is Anthony. Bob, you're the zero out here in the car."

"What a lemon! One minute it's running like a top, and the next it's broken down on the side of the road. And I can't fix a car like this, because I don't have the tools! And even if I did have the tools I don't know if I could fix a car like this!"

"You know there's nothing to steal from my mom and Craig!"

"What do you think I was doing the whole time you were out there man? I told you Dignan got fired, out on his ass. But you didn't think about that, did you. In the end it's easier to think about yourself than it is to think about Dignan."

"We'll get him. We'll get him. Man, don't worry about that, we'll get him. And when we do, we'll blow up his car, do something. I can guarantee you that. What makes me furious is thinking about the look on Bob's fat face, thinking he pulled one over on us. I tell you another thing. If our paths cross again, you're gonna see a side of Dignan that you haven't seen before. A sick, sadistic side, cause I'm furious at Bob."

"James Caan - Abe Henry"

"Lumi Cavazos - Inez"

"Robert Musgrave - Bob Mapplethorpe"

"Luke Wilson - Anthony Adams"

"Owen Wilson - Dignan"

"They're not really criminals, but everybody's got to have a dream."

"He looks like a little banana. Where are you from pal?"

"One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer that question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life."

"Bob gets the Spirit Award."

"Shh, wait for my instructions. When we go through the next gate, you'll have thirty seconds to take out the tower guard. Thirty seconds. Have the car running at the northwest checkpoint. Bob and I are gonna scale the barricade, and then we're gonna tunnel through to no-mans-land. And Bob, remember, shield me from the bullets, they won't shoot civilians! Are you ready? Let's go! Let's go! Now! Now! Now! (smiling) Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"Son of a bitch! Anthony! Anthony! Bob's gone. He stole his car! He flew the coop while we were sleepin'!"

"Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"

"How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?"

"Isn't it funny how you used to be in the nut house and now I'm in jail?"

"They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent."

"Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!"

"(after asking Peter to come in and work on Saturday) Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks."

"Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."

"(after Michael's computer virus has taken $300,000 over the weekend, and the trio try to absolve themselves) I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary."

"Paul Willson - Bob Porter"

"John C. McGinley - Bob Slydell"

"Joe Bays - Dom Portwood"

"Alexandra Wentworth - Anne"

"Richard Riehle - Tom Smykowski"

"Gary Cole - Bill Lumbergh"

"Stephen Root - Milton Waddams"

"Jon Schroeder - Ernest Porter"

"Brian Carlos - Vincent Porter"

"Diedrich Bader - Lawrence"

"Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar"

"David Herman - Michael Bolton"

"Jennifer Aniston - Joanna"

"Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons"

"Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday..."

"Work Sucks"

"[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud."

"[When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

"[Repeated line] Fuckin' A!"