"[lamenting to his agent about being passed over for choice roles and the agent could hardly get a word edgewise] White boys get all the Oscars. It's a fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No and you know why? 'Cause I ain't played none of them slave roles, or get my ass whipped. That's when you get the nominations. Black dude play a slave role, gets his ass whipped, gets the nomination, white boy play an idiot, they get the Oscar. Find me a script as a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar."

"[looking at FedEx truck coming into his street] See that FedEx truck? Every day, it delivers important papers to people all around the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we- and by we, I mean me - will be important."

"Christine Baranski as Carol"

"Michael Papajohn as Cardassian"

"Frank Welker as Special Vocal Effects"

"Steve Coogan as Tommy Atkins"

"The boys back home call me boohoo Boone!"

"[about whisky] Not one more drop as long as I live! [sees Omri and Patrick] Ohhhhhhh, my dear sweet lord! [beat] I need a drink."

"Omri cooks? Like a woman. You are a woman!"

"[before pulling the arrow out of Boone] Blood will flow. Get me husks!"

"Good! I like Danger. Do you like Danger, Texas Man?"

"Hal Scardino as Omri"

"Litefoot as Little Bear"

"David Keith as Boone"

"Lindsay Course as Jane"

"Richard Jenkins as Victor"

"Rishi Bhat as Patrick"

"Vincent Kartheiser as Gillon"

"Nestor Serrano as Teacher"

"Ryan Olson as Adiel"

"Joan Cusack - Emily Montgomery"

"Alexandra Holden - Meredith"

"Lauren Ambrose - Vicky"

"Zak Orth - Mike"

"Shawn Hatosy - Jack"

"Shalom Harlow - Sonya"

"Gregory Jbara - Walter Brackett"

"Bob Newhart - Tom Halliwell"

"Wilford Brimley - Frank Brackett"

"Debbie Reynolds - Berniece Brackett"

"Matt Dillon - Cameron Drake"

"Tom Selleck - Peter Malloy"

"Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!"

"Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shoot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!"

"Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?"

"Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin."

"Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned."

"Frank Brackett: [about Cameron] He used to mow our lawn. Never again."

"Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!"

"Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell"."

"Well, how did you do... prissy boy?"

"Truly manly men do NOT dance."

"Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk."

"For God's sake, don't shake that booty!"

"Excuse me, are we a little teapot?"

"[Yelling outside the bar after Howard won't marry her because he is gay and after Peter Malloy turns down her advances because he is also gay] Is everybody gay? Is this The Twilight Zone?"

"I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!"

"I just came out! At my wedding!"