"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT? 'Cause if it leaks to the VC he could end up MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP."

"Don Stanton - Censor #2"

"Dan Stanton - Censor #1"

"Cu Ba Nguyen - Jimmy Wah"

"Floyd Vivino - Eddie Kirk"

"Richard Portnow - Dan 'The Man' Levitan"

"Juney Smith - Phil McPherson"

"Richard Edson - Private Abersold"

"Noble Willingham - Brigadier General Taylor"

"J.T. Walsh - Sergeant Major Dickerson"

"Robert Wuhl - Marty Lee Dreiwitz"

"Bruno Kirby - Lieutenant Steven Hauk"

"Chintara Sukapatana - Trinh"

"Tung Thanh Tran - Tuan"

"Forest Whitaker - Edward Garlick"

"Robin Williams - Adrian Cronauer"

"Let me ask you a question: what is the appeal of Joey Bishop? I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either! Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me."

"My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me.... It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds from my dad's dichondra plants, arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming."

"Five months in Vietnam and my best friend is a V.C. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUMÉ!"

"[As camp fashion consultant] Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green! The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me."

"I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who is screaming out to be made fun of. So, fuck it."

"You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways."

"Hey, we're back. That last few seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin' In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you! Meanwhile, Ethel Merman managed to jam Russian radar, she was quoted as singing [loud and off-key] "Oh, IIII've got a feeeeeliiiing... that loooove is here to staaaaay!". When asked for a statement, the Russians simply replied [with a Russian accent], "What the hell was that?""

"Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun."

"[to Trinh] You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town."

"[as Walter Cronkite] I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it was, what it shall be. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut."

"The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there!" [in Girly voice] "But Betty-" [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there." I know, we can't use the word "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian", it's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you very much."