"Old Man Cadwell: [The visiting out-of-town college students have just found a jar of fox piss on the shelves of eccentric Old Man Cadwell's shop.] Oh Lord, don't drop that! If you do, that's powerful stuff! All the foxes around would come down here, you'd have friends like you'd never had before."

"Deputy Winston: You know what it's like when you go to a new town, and you're the new guy? All the girls see you walking down the street. They don't know you've got five pounds of ding-a-ling meat. They're looking for no commitment. You understand what I'm saying? I've heard that theory before. This is that town!"

"[yelling] I made it! I made it! I knew I'd make it! I fucking made it! [he is shot by the police]"

"I don't want any of us getting sick, but you two fuckin' fuckers insist on touching her, now she's bleeding all over both you guys! So you two can fuckin rot, but not me, no fuckin way not me! [Jeff runs off carrying beer]"

"[While washing her face in the bathroom, Marcy discovers a suspicious pair of sores on her back where Paul had been grabbing her when they had sex.] Jesus, Paul, you really did a number on my back!"

"That guy asked for our help, and we lit him on fire! You'll understand if I'm not in a particularly social mood."

"[A stranger has just emerged from the woods with a dog that's barking threateningly] Wait... Is your dog friendly?"

"Matthew Helms - Dennis"

"Hal Courtney - Tommy"

"[silently crying about losing his 3-year-old son to the zombies] I haven't cried like that since Titanic."

"Bill Murray - Himself"

"Abigail Breslin - Little Rock"

"Emma Stone - Wichita"

"Jesse Eisenberg - Columbus"

"Woody Harrelson - Tallahassee"

"A comedy that kills."

"Survival rule #1: Cardio."

"Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero."

"Survival rule #28: Get a kickass partner."

"Survival rule #21: Avoid strip clubs."

"Nut up or shut up."

"This place is so dead"

"Our land is their land."

"Welcome to Zombieland."

"[looking through a fried-Twinkie stand] Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are ya?!"

"[about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck."

"There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty."

"My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?"

"Time to nut up or shut up."