"[after finding out that Clark has received a "Jelly of the Month" club membership in place of a bonus] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."

"Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?"

"I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic."

"[about Snot] He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a "Mississippi leg hound" in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish."

"That right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV."

"[last line] I did it."

"Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-… [kicks something] sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol?"

"[sliding through a forest on his saucer sled, barely avoiding trees] This is great! It's great! I'm dead!"

"Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr.! Remember, don't try this at home, kids; I am a professional. Later, dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang 10! [pushes off; goes sledding downhill at ridiculously high speed] OH, SHIIIIIIIIIT!!"

"I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas."

"[handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [pulls out a huge tangle of lights] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [hands it to Russ]"

"LOTTA SAP in here. [spits then give an "okay" sign] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!"

"[the newel post is wobbly, so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post."

"[as an entourage of suits - led by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."

"Avery Brooks - Dr. Bob Sweeney"

"William Russ - Dennis Vinyard"

"Guy Torry - Lamont"

"Elliott Gould - Murray"

"Fairuza Balk - Stacey"

"Stacy Keach - Cameron Alexander"

"Ethan Suplee - Seth Ryan"

"Jennifer Lien - Davina Vinyard"

"Beverly D'Angelo - Doris Vinyard"

"Edward Furlong - Danny Vinyard"

"Edward Norton - Derek Vinyard"

"See reality in your eyes when hate makes you blind"

"United by hate, divided by truth"

"Violence as a way of life."

"Some Legacies Must End."

"Bob Sweeney: [Arguing with Danny Vinyard about his "Mein Kampf" paper] I think the street would kill you. Your rhetoric and your propaganda aren't gonna save you out there."

"Seth: My eyes have seen the glory of the trampling at the zoo We have washed ourselves in niggers' blood and all the mongrels too We're taking down the ZOG machine, Jew by Jew by Jew The white man marches on! ~ white supremacist lyrics for "Battle Hymn of the Republic.""

"Lamont: Okay, I know your kind, right...bad ass peckerwood with an attitude. Well, let me tell you something: you better watch your ass, 'cause in the joint, you the nigger, not me."

"Lamont: [In the prison laundry] Don't fuck with me, a'ight? I'm the most dangerous man in this prison. You know why? 'Cause I control the underwear."

"Murray: Derek, what are you trying to prove?!"

"Doris Vinyard: You think you're the only one doin' time, Derek? You think you're here all alone? You think I'm not in here with you?"

"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.' [Quoting Abraham Lincoln]"