"You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called FA-QUE! [pronounces it "fuck you"] It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground."

"I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"[is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!"

"Well it's a well-known fact, sonny-Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as The Meadows. (So who's in this Pentavirate?) The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up! Ooh I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! Ohh you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooh! (Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?) Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart arse!"

"[singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with bagpipes] If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, c'mon baby let me know! Haggis solo!"

"May, shut it!"

"Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!"

"May, turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!"

"Let's get pissed!"

"We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down. 'S all right, he's just pissed."

"Ooh, that was off-sides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!"

"No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts."

"Look at the size of that boy's head. I’m not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick."

"Head! Pants! Now!"

"Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

"Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels"

"Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino"

"Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie"

"Mike Myers - Charlie/Stuart Mackenzie"

"Woman... woe-man... whoah, man!She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... They make me horny, Saturday morny Girls of cartoo-ins Won't leave me in ruins I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love."

"Harriet! Harry-it Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks."

"I care for Apple Jacks a great deal."

"I think I'm dating Ms. X..."

"Danielle Spencer - Veterinarian"

"Lisa Edelstein - Woman at table"

"Peter Jacobson - Man at table"

"Harold Ramis - Dr. Martin Bettes"

"Lawrence Kasdan - Dr. Green"

"Lupe Ontiveros - Nora Manning"

"Yeardley Smith - Jackie Simpson"

"Skeet Ulrich - Vincent Lopiano"

"Shirley Knight - Beverly Connelly"

"Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Frank Sachs"

"Greg Kinnear - Simon Bishop"

"Helen Hunt - Carol Connelly"