"Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!"

"[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!"

"Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy."

"I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car."

"[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!"

"If you ain't first, you're last!"

"We go together like cocaine and waffles."

"Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]"

"We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?"

"We go together like campin' trips and head lice."

"We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes."

"We go together like pigs and swimmin'."

"I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps."

"We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms."

"We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease."

"I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?"

"I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist."

"[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho."

"[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!"

"Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!"

"I like to picture my Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party."

"When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."

"Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than this Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart!"

"I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you."

"[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told 'em "Stop it!" 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought. DICK"

"[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!"

"Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on."

"You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved."

"Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR."

"[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!"

"[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!"

"I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out."

"Hey, Jamie! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale."

"Frank Welker - The Cougar."

"Greg Germann - Larry Dennit, Jr."

"Jack McBrayer - Glenn"

"Ted Manson - Chip"

"Grayson Russell - Texas Ranger Bobby"