"The story goes that a polite young lady journalist invited him to lunch at Chasen's in hope of a story. Lunch in his case was a liquid affair, and left him uncommunicative. Noticing the passion with which he shooed away the hovering waiter with the ice water jug, she seized an opening. "Mr. Fields, could you tell me the reason for your well-known aversion to water?" "Delighted, my dear," he replied with suddenly increased bonhomie. "Never touch the stuff—very unhealthy. Fish fuck in it.""

"Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."

"I never voted for anybody. I always voted against."

"[To a waitress]] I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. (Variant: 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.)"

"Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill? (the bartender replies: Yes) Oh, what a load is off my mind. I thought I LOST it! it"

"If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for."

"Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days."

"Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ..."

"I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two."

"Who knows what's funny?"

"She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave."

"And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast."

"Never give a sucker an even break."