"[after completing Stage 3] I'm sorry if I'm getting a little weepy, folks. But when I see a contestant that I raise from a week-kneed cream puff blossom into a mean, unclean back-stabbing machine, I go a little girly. But never mind all that. Let's talk about something more fun: me! King Midas, you can pick up your pension check, because Van Tastic is the new kid with the golden touch. And this show 24 karat game show perfection! I don't like to toot my horn, but... [his hotline phone rings and he gasps in fright] Yes? [the network director yells angrily] Yes. Yes. But, sir, the ratings are skyrocketing. Yes. I know somebody's winning. The Prize? Oh, well, it's just a trifle. Well, we've just promised them a few things. Well, you know, like.... anything they desire. Sir. Sir, I think you're overreacting just a tad. Yes, I know they could ask for that: no prejudice, world peace, more commercials with babies. Yeah, I know, but look at these clowns! They're not gonna ask for that. Of course not! Besides, nobody ever wins. Sir, nobody ever wins! [hangs up] That was some monologue wasn't it, folks? Hey, those method acting classes are really paying off."