Whacked!

"Hey there, guys and gals and all you sick weirdos in between! Are you ready to get...? [Audience: WHACKED!]"

"Hello, everybody, and welcome to the show! Here's how the game is played: the way you win is by competing against each other in a series of lighthearted, and potentially lethal games. [the audience cheers] Do I know how to get ratings or what? If you survive all our deadly levels of fun, you will be rewarded with, drumroll please... The Prize! What you may ask is this fabulous Prize? Well, I can't tell you that, but I can tell you it's FANTASTIC!! It's big, it's shiny, it's a pure silk, air-conditioned, chocolate-covered, solid-gold, tax-free, EXTRA CHEESE, DOUBLE-D, FINGER-LICKING LAP DANCE OF WOW!!!!"

"Now that we've met our fascinating contestant, it's time to get... [Audience: WHACKED!] Weird. It's like you read my mind. [laughs] Let's take a look at Stage 1!"

"[after the player completes Stage 1] Was that something or was that something?! I haven't seen action like that since I taught Emperor Nero that trip with the lions! Now, let's see if the... [notices the viewer numbers are running slow; chuckles nervously] It seems a few of our viewers have taken a timeout to drain their lizard at the porcelain reptile house. No problem. This'll give old Van-man the opportunity to stress to our contestant that they're gonna have to take off the kid gloves and put brass knuckles on their brass knuckles if they even want a shot at getting... the Prize! I thought I'd up the bruise factor by raising the star count a bit and introducing a marvelous marvel of the technological age that in scientific circles known as... The Big Red Button!"

"[talking to his network director on the phone] Yes? Yes? Well, of course, it's a great show. And if it's anyone's fault, I think I'd better step up and take the blame. When you hired Van Tastic, you ordered a triple decker talent sandwich with a side order of spunk. What? The Prize? Relax! I've been doing this since Adam and Eve were wetting their fig leaves, and believe me, this is one game that nobody ever wins. Besides, I'll let you in on a little secret: there is no Prize. [laughs] Yeah. You know how much prizes cost? [laughs and then notices the camera] Is that thing on?"

"[after completing Stage 3] I'm sorry if I'm getting a little weepy, folks. But when I see a contestant that I raise from a week-kneed cream puff blossom into a mean, unclean back-stabbing machine, I go a little girly. But never mind all that. Let's talk about something more fun: me! King Midas, you can pick up your pension check, because Van Tastic is the new kid with the golden touch. And this show 24 karat game show perfection! I don't like to toot my horn, but... [his hotline phone rings and he gasps in fright] Yes? [the network director yells angrily] Yes. Yes. But, sir, the ratings are skyrocketing. Yes. I know somebody's winning. The Prize? Oh, well, it's just a trifle. Well, we've just promised them a few things. Well, you know, like.... anything they desire. Sir. Sir, I think you're overreacting just a tad. Yes, I know they could ask for that: no prejudice, world peace, more commercials with babies. Yeah, I know, but look at these clowns! They're not gonna ask for that. Of course not! Besides, nobody ever wins. Sir, nobody ever wins! [hangs up] That was some monologue wasn't it, folks? Hey, those method acting classes are really paying off."

"Oodbray! [a phonering is heard; Van looks to find that the ring is coming from the most hellish looking phone; he picks it up to hear the angry yellings of the network director] Yes? Yes? But- [Network Director: Somebody won! You're fired!] But the ratings! But you can't! [the director hangs up] I can't believe it. This is the last show. I've been... CANCELLED!! [breaks down into tears; one of the seven characters walk up to Van and ask for the Prize] Prize?! PRIZE?! The show's been cancelled! There is no Prize! [the character insist on asking for the Prize] Yes.. Yes! That's it! Congratulations! You passed the... Infamous Phony Show Cancellation Round, and now have the opportunity to either walk away with the Prize, or by simply signing this newly invented contract, you can play another round for a shot at winning the new, improved Grand Prize!"

"[after Van takes off his fake head and reveals himself to be a demon] Welcome, honored contestants to this: the last round of the game! Since I've graciously gone out of my way to eliminate all the other contestants, this special collectable, signed and numbered, limited edition... uh, set will be played against a true champion, an adonist, a Hercules, a paragon of physical perfection, and let's face it, America's sweetheart: ME!!! [laughs maniacally] Well, and a couple of my pals. [gestures to some more demons] Just a few old frat buddies. Anyway, if you actually beat me and my pals-- Yeah, I had a hard time saying that with a straight face. --If you beat us, you'll finally get your undeserving hands on the fabulous Grand Prize! [laughs maniacally as the contestant falls into a pit]"

"[if the player loses against him] Don't go away empty-handed. Take a copy of our home game!"

"[if the player wins the game and the Prize(which depends on which character the player plays as); Van gets a call from his network director] Yes? Yes? Yes? Really?! Well, yes, I thought it was great, too! You're kidding! You mean... YES!!! This is Van Tastic, and we're back on the air!"

"Matt Weinhold — Van Tastic"

"Jamey Scott — Announcer"

"Tara Strong — Lucy and Charity"

"Scott Holst - Eugene"

"Wally Wingert - Lance"

"Morgan Sheppard - Lucky"

"Johnnie Mac and Steve Staley - Otto"

"Dan Paladin - Toof"

"Bob Amaral - The Producer"