"Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured."

"We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band."

"See those dead plants? I planted those."

"I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese."

"Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch."

"[After having been humped by a dog] It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed."

"I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid."

"All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners!"

"The branch! Swing from the branch Rickey!"

"Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncom…"