"You don't fuck with Bob! You show Bob respect. Bob's my special guy. That's right! That's right. That just happened. You don't tell your parents about this. You don't tell your friends about this. You write it in your dream journal. You lock it up and put it under your pillow. I will come back here and I will kill each and every one of you! Except for those two hot girls I was talking to. They have my information, please have them get in contact with me. They seam great."

"It's OK. Touch my goo, Bob!"

"Neighborhood watch. What a fucking joke!"

"Ben Stiller - Evan Trautwig"

"Vince Vaughn - Bob McAllister"

"Jonah Hill - Franklin Fawcett"

"Richard Ayoade - Jamarcus Perkins"

"R. Lee Ermey - Manfred Salisbury"

"Rosemarie DeWitt - Abby Trautwig"

"Erin Moriarty - Chelsea McAllister"

"Will Forte - Sergeant Bressman"

"Mel Rodriguez - Chucho"

"Doug Jones - Chief alien villain"

"You've been planning an alien invasion... in my Costco?"

"Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass."

"Singing was their hobby. Closing ass was their job."

"[about his massage chair] That is the best 2300 bucks I ever spent. I got it at a place called relaxtheback.com. It's like Toys-R-Us for your ass and back."

"Pigs have uniforms, I think we should have uniforms too. Gotta match those fuckers on every level."

"Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record. She dated Dan Remmeck, who's had a six-pack since like kindergarten; Jason Stone, who looks like Zack Morris; and Matt Muer, he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles."

"Do you have any normal-sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?"

"I am going to give you the best blow J ever. With my mouth."

"[Breaking up a party] I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!"

"We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock."

"[pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas!"

"Jonah Hill - Seth"

"Michael Cera - Evan"

"Christopher Mintz-Plasse - Fogell (a.k.a. "McLovin")"

"Bill Hader - Officer Slater"

"Seth Rogen - Officer Michaels"

"Emma Stone - Jules"

"Martha MacIsaac - Becca"

"Kevin Corrigan - Mark"

"Joe Lo Truglio - Frankie"

"What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my pussy! I could never handle your fucking four-inch dick inside my pussy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!"