"Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas."

"Bruce Gordon — Hannibal Zoto"

"New Musical Girlesque!!!"

"Paul Valentine — Mike Johnson"

"Marilyn Monroe — Grunion's Client"

"Ilona Massey — Madame Egelichi"

"Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling."

"I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed."

"[to Madam Egelichi] Oh, no. I'm not gonna follow you and get shot. If I was half-shot I'd follow you."

"Harpo Marx — Harpo"

"Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear."

"Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me."

"Groucho Marx — Detective Sam Grunion"

"Marion Hutton — Bunny Dolan"

"Leon Belasco — Mr. Lyons"

"Eric Blore — Mackinaw"

"You're like a beautiful chandelier. I'd like to be around when you get lit up."

"I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."

"It's the biggest dope ring in years. And Jardinet is the head dope!""

"Chico Marx — Chico"

"Zeppo Marx — Zeppo"

"Charles Halton — Dr. Glass"

"Harry Woods — Alky Briggs"

"Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body."

"Thelma Todd — Lucille Briggs"

"No thanks. Bad luck. Three on a midget."

"Rockliffe Fellowes — J.J. 'Big Joe' Helton"

"Harpo Marx — Harpo"

"I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal."

"Donald MacBride — Mr.Wagner"

"I have an agreement with the houseflies. They don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling."

"Harpo Marx — Faker Englund"

"[Posing as a reporter] Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?"

"Groucho Marx — Gordon Miller"

"Basil Ruysdael — Detective Hennessey"

"Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!"

"Clifford Dunstan — Joseph Gribble"

"Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?"

"Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket."

"With a little study you'll go a long way. And I wish you'd start now."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you into that room quickly, Mrs.Smallhausen will sing a soprano solo in THIS room!"

"You roared at them in The Cocoanuts. You laughed your heard off at Animal Crackers. Now see the famous frenzied foursome in their merriest, maddest farce Monkey Business. The whole family will enjoy it."

"Groucho Marx — Mr. Hammer"

"Paramount's All Talking-Singing Musical Comedy Hit!"

"Harpo Marx — Harpo"

"[to Chico] Now this is our cemetery. I've got a list of a hundred people just dying to get in. But I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them. I'm going to get you a steady position. And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal."