deadpool-films

"[narrating while he is shown blowing himself up] FUCK Wolverine! First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying! What a dick! Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too."

"[narrating while executing Russian criminals] I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7... [a guy on fire runs around screaming] Holy shit-pickles, that guy's on fire! That's not CGI, folks, he's really on fire. Yeah."

"Is it just me or does "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from Frozen sound suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl? [singing] "Papa, can you hear me?" [spoken] And nobody fucking realizes it."

"[while going around the X-Mansion using Professor X's wheelchair] All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle. [in the Super Duper Cut: All these old guys on the wall. Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?] [chuckles and knocks busts onto the floor, breaking them] Those were already damaged after they fell there!"

"Nobody knows, but rumor has it that they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to [turns to viewer] huge, steaming hot bowl of foreshadowing."

"[riding around the X-Mansion on Professor X's wheelchair] What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, 'cause... where the heck is everyone? It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage-Longest-Name-Ever- [Colossus (grabbing Wade by the shoulder): Enough!] I said no touching. [Colossus throws him off the wheelchair and onto the floor] What the... fuck! You'd think the studio would throw us a bone – one that doesn't end up in my mouth. The first movie made more money than the guy who invented pants. But they can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh? [cut to behind Wade; Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler, Beast, Quicksilver and Professor X are actually in an adjoining room. Beast quickly closes the door without Wade noticing] Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no, no, no. No."

"[after Firefist starts a fight in the Ice Box] We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset, it ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim... Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is, he was African-American."

"[To Cable] You're so dark! You sure you're not from the DC Universe? I love dubstep!"

"In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet bottom."

"[planning to rescue Firefist with the X-Force team] You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy, but not inappropriately!"

"[after the X-Force team is killed off accidentally in a series of random mishaps] Good news and bad news. Bad news is, the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick."

"[to Domino via commlink] Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?! Probably a guy who can't draw feet! [all the while, Domino is running through traffic while a series of accidents happen around her without harming her]"

"Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willie."

"[after Cable shoots Black Tom Cassidy] YOU KILLED BLACK TOM, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!"

"I'll be the first to admit: this did not go according to plan. I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. Looks like Russell found a new friend. Turns out Domino is a bit of a badass and maybe possibly mildly lucky. But Cable, yeesh, that guy's in the mood. A mood that is about to get significantly worse."

"[To Juggernaut] Hey, big guy! The sun's getting real low!"

"What do you get when you take eight feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow full of Stage 4 Cancer? Answer: a family. See? I didn't lie what kinda film this was. If there's anything you need to take away today, other than the need to Google "What the fuck is dubstep?", it's that we all need to belong to someone."

"I hope you sharpened the cream cheese spreader. [throws the spreader onto a criminal who's about to shoot Vanessa, successfully killing him] I'll be right back. [uses Cable's time-travelling device; to Vanessa] We're definitely naming our kid Cher! WOOOOO!"

"[from trailer, at Cable's incomplete intro] What... in the actual ass?! DALE! W-why are the visual effects not done?! It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache!"

"[from trailer; playing with action figures] Zip it, Cable! I got the stones to help you! [teabags Cable's action figure with Deadpool's action figure]"

"[from trailer] Your time's up, you dumbass/dumbfuck."

"Hello, Russell."

"I guess dubstep never dies."

"I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home."

"You remind me of my wife. [...] She always struggled. But she was funny, and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. Something I could never master."

"[referring to Future Firefist] He came into my home and took the only thing that made it a home. Sound familiar?"

"When this is over, I'm gonna fuck you to death with your own broken feet."

"Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red."

"Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both a history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. But we can't really live 'til we've died a little, can we?"

"Weasel: There you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it! My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy."

"Juggernaut: "Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name."

"[after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music."

"[Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it."

"[after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust effortlessly knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought... her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex."

"[during the gunfight at the abandoned Helicarrier] Look away, child. [N.T.W. doesn't [angrily] LOOK AWAY! [N.T.W. does, and Deadpool pulls his underwear out from his suit's crotch, groaning in pain]"

"[voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, oh-oh. ♪"

"[in a post-credits scene, Wade walks by an empty hallway before noticing the camera] You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... Keira Knightley- she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]"

"[From trailer] I've played a lot of roles. "Damsel-in-distress" ain't one of them!"

"[after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine."

"[seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on."

"I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything."

"This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die."

"You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You, a dishonorable discharge, hip-deep in hookers? You're nothing. Little secret, Wade: this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters... maybe just mow the occasional lawn."

"[repeated line] What's my name?"

"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut?"

"You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!"

"Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same."

"Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you. Real "Grim Reaper" type. I dunno, might further the plot."

"Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise."

"[To Ajax and Angel Dust, when they leave his bar] You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Enjoy your midnight showing of Blade II."