Ronny Chieng

"It's also funny how people usually like independence in this tribal political climate. Y'know, you have to be a real shitty politician if you're Independent and everybody hates you."

"You're not supposed to care about your boss, okay? No busboy at Red Lobster is committing seppuku because the manager got canned. Asian references. That's what I'm here for."

"Yes, that's right -- America managed to airdrop food around a blockade that Israel built with weapons America gave them. That's good, but wouldn't it be better if the United States just told Israel "Just move! Move out of the way! We gave you that, we're trying to help people! Get out of the way!" Yeah, it just-- I don't know, it just seems a lot less efficient to Uber Eats drop food from a thousand feet up or yelling "Hey, don't forget to give us five stars!""

"Yes. "Stop wasting your parents' money". Be like Mike Johnson, get into government, and waste everyone's money."

"Democrats are super fired up about having a candidate who isn't legally dead."

"Now, calling someone weird is a bit of a downgrade from "He tried to overthrow democracy." On the other hand, you know, that message didn't really stick! I mean, Democrats spent four years being like "Hey, everybody, remember January 6th?!" and most Americans were like "We don't remember and/or care." So now Democrats are like, "Hey, wasn't trying to overthrow the government kinda weird? Like, who even does that?" And now people are like, "Yeah, I guess that is kinda weird.""

"Trump doesn't get to decide how black a black person is, okay? Only Kendrick Lamar can do that."

"America... I love you. If you are feeling upset, or hurt, or depressed about the turn towards fascism that your beloved homeland is taking, then all you have to do is this. Just look into your heart... and you take out your foreign passport. And you go back to Malaysia, where you came from, until Trump leaves office. [Desi Lydic: Ronny, we don't all have Malaysian passports. How is that inspiring to us?] Oh, I don't know. It's inspiring to me! Alright, later bitches!"

"Because when Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, helping people is, like, on the bottom of the list of reasons. Oh, if it even makes the list of reasons to go into medicine. Helping people is, like, the unfortunate by-product of becoming a healthcare professional. Like, when they first see that they can't even believe it. They're like, "What the fuck? You gotta help people? "Well, whatever, get it out of the way." But don't let it get in the way of what this is really about. It's about the money and the prestige, right?. It's the money and the prestige."

"Chinese people love money. We love that shit. Chinese people fucking love money. Okay? You think rappers love money? Yo, we love money more than anyone. Chinese people love everything about it. We love making it, love spending it,we love giving it, we love receiving it, we love throwing it up in the air.Yo, Chinese people love money so much, we have a god of money. Of all the gods in Chinese Taoism, there's one god, he's the god of money.Caishenye, we pray to him for more money! Every day, we go, "Hey, god of money ,give us more money." And he gives us more money.Very fickle god. Doesn't care about inflation, right? No understanding of basic principles of macroeconomics, just throwing out gold ingots if you ask for it at the right time."Here's some money. Burn some incense. Here's some money, man.""

"Even during Chinese New Year, the biggest holiday for Chinese people, Chinese New Year, when we see each other during Chinese New Year, the way we greet each other is we say, "gong xi fa cai," or "gong hei fat choy" in Cantonese. I'm sure you've heard that, at least peripherally, "Gong xi fa cai." Gong xi fa cai means, "Hope you get rich!" That's not "Happy New Year." Do you understand, the go-to phrase during Chinese New Year isn't, "Hey, happy New Year." It's, "Yo, hope you get rich.""