Ben Croshaw

"Well, here goes. I LIKE those areas of hentai which depict acts that aren't illegal or sexually deviant. I LIKE seeing pictures of tits. I LIKE to drop momentarily into a little fantasy world where everyone is beautiful and blowjobs are offered in return for fixing the sink. And why not? I'm 100% red hot hunk of man, and all men like watching boobies jiggling around, when they're not lifting weights, grunting and messing around under the bonnets of expensive cars (the men, that is, not the boobies). So there. I've said it. I like hentai. Poo on you. (20 October 2003: Hentaising )"

"It all smacks of trying to have your cake and eat it, although I’ve never understood that phrase. I don’t know what else you could do with a cake. Hold doors open, maybe. (6 March 2006)"

"Rips in the space time continuum look a lot like vaginas. (19 April 2006)"

"Piss poo dangly shit arse fuck wee....Fuck cunt willy willy wank piss mung. (26 November 2004)"

"When you think about it, when you overlook the ingrained taboos of society and think for your own fucking self for once, it doesn't make much sense that murder is illegal when we still have no idea what death IS, exactly. For all we know the human body is merely a stopping-off point where we learn wisdom and patience in preparation for the next, ultimate state of existence, beings of pure light, at one with the universe and with minds encompassing a thousand galaxies. And for all we know, you only get to do all this if you die before you turn 40. In that case, being murdered could be the greatest thing anyone ever does for you. (5 October 2004)"

"What was your favourite single player Quake level? One of the forty identical greenish-brown castles or one of the forty identical brownish-green castles? (2 December 2004)"

"And then we come to the physics engine. Oh, the physics engine, for which so much praise has been sung. What they say is all true. It is fantastic the way you can pick up boxes, the way they fall, the way they tip over, the way they smash into bits when you hit them. (On Half-Life 2, 26 November 2004)"

"I know you can argue that the player is supposed to project themselves onto Freeman, but if that's the case, why give him a name? A backstory? An iconic appearance? All the other characters have known him for years, we can't really project ourselves because Freeman has a known history and reputation. Hell, he's the fucking messiah figure for the oppressed masses. (13 July 2006)"

"Starring Laurence Fishburne, Hugo Weaving, The Slightly Mannish Woman and A Big Keanu-Reeves Shaped Piece Of Wood! (On the Matrix Reloaded, 24 June 2003)"

"Yes, I have been harvested by mainstream media for whatever time remains for television to still be called 'mainstream' before the internet destroys it once and for all. (14 February 2008)"

"Games with ragdoll death animations just make it look even more ridiculous. One moment an enemy is strafing and firing at full speed, the next his entire body just goes limp like Mr. Scotty teleported his skeleton out of his body or something. (19 July 2007)"

"So I finally sold out and bought an Ipod the other day. I haven't sold out to the point that I'd spell it with a lower case I and a capital P like the makers insist upon, though. (5 June 2007)"

"You couldn't make this any smaller without needing a sewing needle and magnifying glass to work it. I'm tempted to see if I can swallow it, and belch the White Album all the way home. (On his iPod Shuffle, 5 June 2007)"

"All I can say is this: either every single member of that army had been promised a blow job of the Gods as soon as they got their queen back, or the Greeks invented brainwashing. (On the Greeks and the Trojan War, 31 May 2004)"

"Yeah, I haven't updated in a while. What are you going to do about it, motherfucker? Oh yeah, you know your place. (17 June 2006)"

"Today marks the completion of my twenty-third year on this foetid planet. Who would have thought I'd make it this long without dying of mercury poisoning or swallowing my own tongue or something like that. (24 May 2006)"

"I haven't really commented on the whole Steve Irwin thing. Since I live in the country he arguably embodied this seems like a tragic oversight. I mean, he was Australian, I live in Australia, he wrestled crocodiles, I pick my nose a lot, it was like losing a little part of me or something. But when that stingray broke his little heart and a nation was united in grief - or at least a media was - I kept conspicuously silent. I even had some prepared witticisms I could have used, like "I bet the crocodiles are pissed off that they never got around to it first" or "The guy who went for 'stingray' in the 'animal by which Steve Irwin will one day be killed' betting pool is pretty fucking happy right now". (16 October 2006)"

"The 'wemon' is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden! Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind the ears. (5 October 2005)"

"I'd just like to point out that Billy Joel looks like the result of a depraved breeding experiment between Ringo Starr and the tall bloke from Everybody Loves Raymond. (7 July 2004)"

"God damn X-Entertainment. God damn it for being so god damn interesting that I'd rather sit reading their god damn articles when I should be doing some god damn work. God damn them. God damn the doctor for putting me on these god damn pills that make me god damn drowsy and fucked up all god damn morning. God damn everything. Then god damn god damning. (18 August 2004)"

"Christians are a funny lot, aren't they? It doesn't seem to matter what their God does, they'll just keep on loving him regardless. (8 November 2003)"

"I am a consumer, part of the system of capitalism. To the corporations that control our lives, I am nothing but a huge mouth wearing designer jeans, just one of billions, to be cajoled or threatened with advertising into giving my money to people who already have too much. Although I vocally consider this a despicable state of affairs, I buy their loveless food and wear their manufactured garments. I am simultaneously antagonist and component. (7 October 2003)"

"Bush wouldn't be so bad if it was just him jumping up and down on the corpse of international diplomacy, but we've got Blair as well, kneeling behind him and rhythmically planting a kiss on each buttock with each of the American President's gleeful bounds. (17 July 2003)"

"So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it. (3 July 2003)"

"Anyway, if anyone reading this hasn't seen the Dark Knight yet, you officially aren't allowed on the internet until you rectify that. I think I should give it a few months and maybe watch it again on DVD before giving a definitive opinion, because being a massive cynic I'm immediately suspicious of any film that appears on the surface to be absolutely fucking legendary. (19 July 2008)"

"I used to be one of the guys, you know. I used to be another faceless contributor in a wall of opinion. I miss those days. (1 August 2008)"

"Guess you'd be better off going to the Escapist for regular ZP updates, hm? And why not click on some ads while you're there. (21 August 2008)"

"Women admire naked women as the kind of body they would like to have, while men admire naked women as the kind of body they would like to have tied down and squealing on the end of their dicks. (12 January 2005)"

"I love having my conscious brain deactivated by a mindless repetitive task and the rest of it drifting off into the wonderful lands of make believe. (3 April 2007)"

"Saying that a smoker inhales over 4000 chemicals is as meaningful as saying that fun runners pass over 4000 different kinds of rock, and because that rock may contain dinosaur fossils, said fun runners are at risk of velociraptor attack. (21 March 2007)"

"Quod Erat Demonstrandum, fuckers. (25 April 2005)"

"Sex is squalid, uncomfortable, and messy. (18 April 2005)"

"Did we learn nothing from Terminator 3? Apart from the fact that Arnold Schwarzeneggar can act in the same way that octopi can figure skate. (27 March 2005)"

"Nowadays, everyone seems to be emotionally dead, like zombies in pinstripe suits. Trudging to work each day to make a living, queueing up at McDonalds for their daily fuel intake, coming home to vegetate in front of the TV for hours on end. (22 October 2004)"

"I'm always one to concentrate on a person's good qualities - I've spoken up for Jeffrey Dahmer, for fuck's sake - but here I am at a loss. I cannot perceive a single redeeming feature in Paris Hilton... (15 November 2004)"

"Asking after my wellbeing is like asking after the wellbeing of someone in Sweden because a fire broke out in Portugal. Yes alright, Americans, go and look up where those countries are, I'll wait. (In reference to the fires in Victoria, Australia, 12 February 2009)"

"Don't you think it's weird how so many awards these days look like rough crystal formations freshly carved from the rock? Oh I guess you wouldn't know because YOU DON'T WIN AWARDS (25 April 2009)"

"So if you're still playing the game or care in the slightest about having the plot spoiled, try not to accidentally trip, fall forward and highlight all of the following text. (3 June 2009)"

"On the bright side, however, it means I get to stay at home and stare at a computer screen all day as opposed to go to work and stare at a computer screen all day. (On being sick, 15 May 2003)"

"So, Brussels have come up with a little thing called a European Constitution, which will unite all of the European Union into a single superstate, governed by a single government. There may be a problem with everyone speaking different languages and hating each other, but seemingly insurmountable problems have been solved in the past. Like Mount Everest, or making a film based on the Lord of the Rings. (14 May 2003)"

"I had written a beautiful piece for today. It was a rant about how much I despise Halloween. It was witty, well-written and a shining example of a writer at the top of his form. Then I tried to save it, and my computer crashed. So I guess you won't get to read it. Out of all the people in the world, I am the only one who had the opportunity to read my brilliant Halloween article, and now the text is already fading from my cruel, cruel short-term memory, the paragraphs lost in a whirling sea of data, never to be seen again. (31 October 2002)"

"...so come along and watch me fearfully from fifty yards away like you usually do. (6 September 2009)"

"Is it just me, or are the number of comments steadily going down each week? Am I just losing my touch, or has everyone wised up and realised that commenting on internet videos is viciously futile? (4 October 2009)"

"You know how it is, you go away for a week and all the work piles up like a big heap of mail holding your front door closed. (8 November 2009)"

"I heard a story that Guinness once decided to stop advertising. Everybody knew what Guinness was. Everyone who liked and regularly drunk Guinness wouldn't find out anything new about Guinness from TV spots and they were guaranteed sales as long as St. Patrick's Day existed. But you know what happened? Their sales plummeted. Very, very quickly. So next time you complain about adverts on TV or in the cinema or even on my online videos, remember that it wouldn't be necessary if you weren't all such flighty cunts. (4 August 2010)"

"The thing is, if you complain to me about it, you are basically complaining to the pig because your sausages were undercooked. I know my name is on the front of the cover in big fat serifed letters, but I've got nothing to do with distribution and sales or anything to do with Amazon. If you are dissatisfied with their service, then complain to them. Repeatedly. With sticks. (16 September 2010 in regards to Mogworld issues on Amazon.com)"

"A 'relationship' occurs when two people run out of things to say to each other, so they shut each other up by putting their genitals in each other's mouths. A break up comes about when they run out of things to do with those, too. (11 November 2010)"

"Yahtzee was born in Warwickshire, England, on the day of the great storm of 1983. Twenty years later, when England had become too small to accommodate the five hundred kilometre-wide tumour growing out of the back of his neck, he moved to Brisbane, Australia, where a chance encounter with an enraged surfer caused the tumour to become detached. It has now gone on to star in a number of Japanese fetish videos, while Yahtzee occupies a treehouse on the edge of the city, struggling to learn how to live with corks around his hat. The enraged surfer tries to keep in touch, but Yahtzee never answers his phone. (About page)"

"Girls: Please do not offer yourself to Yahtzee. He found that this got old very fast. (Contact page)"

"But the cruellest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't. (23 March 2008)"