"It was a sore point. Like most people with no grasp whatsoever of real economics, Mustrum Ridcully equated "proper financial control" with the counting of paper clips. Even senior wizards had to produce a pencil stub to him before they were allowed a new one out of the locked cupboard below his desk. (p. 181)"

"“Oh,” said Rincewind. “You understand?” said Ponder. “No. I was just hoping that if I didn’t say anything you’d stop trying to explain things to me.” (p. 90)"

"On the veldt of Howondaland live the N’tuitif people, the only tribe in the world to have no imagination whatsoever. For example, their story about the thunder runs something like this: “Thunder is a loud noise in the sky, resulting from the disturbance of the air masses by the passage of lightning.” And their legend “How the Giraffe Got His Long Neck” runs: “In the old days the ancestors of Old Man Giraffe had slightly longer necks than other grassland creatures, and the access to the high leaves was so advantageous that it was mostly long-necked giraffes that survived, passing on the long neck in their blood just as a man might inherit his grandfather’s spear. Some say, however, that it is all a lot more complicated and this explanation only applies to the shorter neck of the okapi. And so it is.” The N’tuitif are a peaceful people, and have been hunted almost to extinction by neighbouring tribes, who have lots of imagination, and therefore plenty of gods, superstitions and ideas about how much better life would be if they had a bigger hunting ground. Of the events on the moon that day, the N’tuitif said: “The moon was brightly lit and from it rose another light which then split into three lights and faded. We do not know why this happened. It was just a thing.” They were then wiped out by a nearby tribe who knew that the lights had been a signal from the god Ukli to expand the hunting ground a bit more. However, they were soon defeated entirely by a tribe who knew that the lights were their ancestors, who lived in the moon, and who were urging them to kill all non-believers in the goddess Glipzo. Three years later they in turn were killed by a rock falling from the sky, as a result of a star exploding a billion years ago. What goes around, comes around. If not examined too closely, it passes for justice. (pp. 129-130)"

"+++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++ (p. 175)"

"Time and space were, from Death's point of view, merely things that he'd heard described. When it came to Death, they ticked the box marked Not Applicable. It might help to think of the universe as a rubber sheet, or perhaps not. (p. 217)"

"It occurred to him that when you’d had everything, all that was left was nothing. (p. 70)"

"“Are you, er, are you much of a religious man yourself?” said Rincewind as clouds whipped by the window. “I believe all religions do reflect some aspect of an eternal truth, yes,” said Carrot. “Good wheeze,” said Rincewind. “You might just get away with it.” “And you?” said Carrot. “We-ll...you know that religion that thinks that whirling round in circles is a form of prayer?” “Oh, yes. The Hurtling Whirlers of Klatch.” “Mine is like that, only we go more in...straight lines. Yes. That’s it. Speed is a sacrament.” “You believe it gives you some sort of eternal life?” “Not eternal, as such. More...well, just more, really. More life. That is,” Rincewind added, “more life than you would have if you did not go very fast in a straight line. Although curving lines are acceptable in broken country.” Carrot sighed. “You’re just a coward really, aren’t you?” “Yes, but I’ve never understood what’s wrong with the idea. It takes guts to run away, you know. Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.” (p. 136)"

"“Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,” said the voice of Maurice. “They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.”"

"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. (p. 172)"

"There are those who believe knowledge is something that is acquired—a precious ore hacked, as it were, from the gray strata of ignorance."

"“Is it just me,” said the minstrel, “or are we missing something here?” “Like what?” demanded Cohen. “Well, these scrolls all tell you how to get to the mountain, a perilous trek that no one has ever survived?” “Yes? So?” “So...um...who wrote the scrolls?” (p. 80)"

"The wizards were good at wind, weather being a matter not of force but of lepidoptery. As Archchancellor Ridcully said, you just had to know where the damn butterflies were. (p. 50)"

"“This is all very well, but the form of things is important!” snapped a priest. “We can’t all pray at once! You know the gods don’t like ecumenicalism! And what form of words will we use, pray?” “I would have felt that a short non-controversial—” Hughnon Ridcully paused. In front of him were priests forbidden by holy edict from eating broccoli, priests who required unmarried girls to cover their ears lest they inflame the passions of other men, and priests who worshipped a small shortbread-and-raisin biscuit. Nothing was non-controversial. (p. 63)"

"Right now, the light at the end of his mental tunnel showed only more tunnel. (p. 152)"

"The path to wisdom does, in fact, begin with a single step."

"“I don’t think I’ve become old,” said Boy Willie. “Not your actual old. Just more aware of where the next lavatory is.” (p. 46)"

"They were...sort of gods, he supposed. They had names like Olk-Kalath the Soul Sucker, but, frankly, the overlap between demons and gods was a bit uncertain at the best of times. (p. 68)"

"I remember my father tellin' me some valuable advice about drinks," said Ridcully. "He said, 'Son, never drink any drink with a paper umbrella in it, never drink any drink with a humorous name, and never drink any drink that changes color when the last ingredient goes in. And never, ever, do this—'"

"This man was so absent-mindedly clever that he could paint pictures that didn’t just follow you around the room but went home with you and did the washing-up. (p. 37)"

"More of the ambassadors from other countries had arrived at the university, and more heads of the Guilds were pouring in, and every single one of them wanted to be involved in the decision-making process without necessarily going through the intelligence-using process first. (p. 38)"

""Willow bark," said the Bursar."

"“Oh, Mighty One,” he began, always a safe beginning and the religious equivalent of “To Whom It May Concern.” (p. 68)"

"Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge through the ages."

"While evidence says that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, they're probably all on first steps. (p. 160)"

"Intelligent robbers would have started to count up the incongruities here. These, however, were the other kind, the kind for whom evolution was invented. (p. 41)"

"Susan was very strict about eating in class and took the view that, if there were rules, then they applied to everyone, even her. Otherwise they were merely tyranny. But rules were there to make you think before you broke them. (p. 355)"

"Their eyes said that wherever it was, they had been there. Whatever it was, they had done it, sometimes more than once. But they would never, ever, buy the T-shirt. And they did know the meaning of the word ‘fear’. It was something that happened to other people. (p. 25)"

"Who are you?"

"So mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe?"

"If you told humans what the future held, it wouldn’t. (p. 355)"

"“Amazin’, what songs do for the ladies,” said Caleb. “About...flowers and that. Romance.” “Well, when I was a lad,” said Truckle, “if you wanted to get a girl’s int’rest, you had to cut off your worst enemy’s wossname and present it to her.” “Whut” “I SAID YOU HAD TO CUT OFF YOUR WORST ENEMY’S WOSSNAME AND PRESENT IT TO HER!” “Aye, romance is a wonderful thing,” said Mad Hamish. “What’d you do if you didn’t have a worst enemy?” said Boy Willie. “You try and cut off anyone’s wossname,” said Truckle, “and you’ve soon got a worst enemy.” (p. 26)"

"Was the Hogfather a god? Why not? thought Susan. There were sacrifices, after all. All that sherry and pork pie. And he made commandments and rewarded the good and he knew what you were doing. If you believed, nice things happened to you. Sometimes you found him in a grotto, and sometimes he was up there in the sky... (pp. 125-126)"

"That's ridiculous, boy!" said the Dean. "Idiocy is not a communicable disease."

"What good's a god who gives you everything you want?"

"I have no use for people who have learned the limits of the possible. (p. 31)"

"Rincewind stared at the badge. He’d never had one before. Well, that was technically a lie...he’d had one that said ‘Hello, I Am 5 Today!’, which was just about the worst possible present to get when you are six. (p. 69)"

"said the Hogfather."

"Everyone has a conditional clause in their life, some little unspoken addition to the rules like, “Except when I really need to,” or “Unless no one is looking,” or, indeed, “Unless the first one was nougat.” (p. 339)"

"“What chocolate do we have left?” “We’re down to the nougat now,” said Unity. “And I believe nougat is a terrible thing to cover with chocolate, where it can ambush the unsuspecting.” (p. 310)"

"Fear, anger, envy...emotions bring you to life, which is a brief period just before you die. (p. 312)"

"The house even imitated human houses. Death had created a bedroom for himself, despite the fact that he never slept. If he really picked things up from humans, had he tried insanity? It was very popular, after all. (p. 91)"

"You can't give her that!" she screamed. "It's not safe!"

"He reached into his pack for the battered copy of the Way, and opened it at random. Koan ninety-seven: “Do unto otters as you would have them do unto you.” Hmm. No real help there. Besides, he’d occasionally been unsure that he’d written that one down properly, although it certain had worked. He’d always left aquatic mammals well alone, and they had done the same to him. He tried again. Koan one hundred and twenty-four: “It’s amazing what you see if you keep your eyes open.” (p. 287)"

"“It makes you wonder if there is anything to astrology after all.” “Oh, there is,” said Susan. “Delusion, wishful thinking, and gullibility.” (p. 321)"

"Susan had never been able to see the attraction in cats. They were owned by the kind of people who liked puddings. There were actual people in the world whose idea of heaven would be a chocolate cat. (p. 89)"

"“You’re giving me a stern look, miss.” “Well, yes. It was rather a chilly decision, wasn’t it?” “Someone has to make ’em,” said Mrs. Ogg sharply. “Besides, I’ve been around for some time and I’ve noticed that them as has it in them to shine will shine through six layers of muck, whereas those who ain’t shiny won’t shine however much you buff ’em. You may think otherwise, but it was me standing there.” (p. 279)"

"Susan was sensible. It was, she knew, a major character flaw. It did not make you popular, or cheerful, and—this seemed to her to be the most unfair bit—it didn’t even make you right. But it did make you definite, and she was definite that what was happening around her was not, in any accepted sense, real. (p. 281)"

"There was a cat-flap in the door."

"“So he’s saving the world and destroying it, all at once?” “Family trait,” said Wen. “It is what Time does at every instant.” (p. 323)"