"You want to know the truth about high school? You've got to break it down into its elements. Unfortunately, at St. Donovan's, the periodic table is more crooked than a case of scoliosis. Just give me the chance and I'll set it all straight. Case in point, Spanish homework. Dame un batido de esperma" does not mean, "Take me to the airport." It means, "Give me a sperm milkshake." And 22 kids gave that as an answer in Spanish 3 last week. I'm not sure about the milkshake, but somebody is sure feeding us something sticky. Every clique on campus is copying the same damn homework. Burn-outs, pretty boys, drama-dorks, jocks, debaters, player-haters, you name it. Oh, it's big, all right. And I'm on it like pink rubber bands on your little sister's braces. The name's Bobby Funke. I write for the paper."

"Mathematically, it's a percentage of your life: 4 years, 48 months, 1,461 days. High school is prom, football games, boyfriends, girlfriends, party at the rich kid's house. Fun, simple, wholesome. But it's really anything but. High school might be the least wholesome 4 years of your life. And there's nothing simple about it. High school is ugly, hard and complicated. As complicated as a conspiracy to assassinate the president. A conspiracy about to be uncovered..."

"[to a security guard] Alright, Mitch, we're looking for weapons, obviously, anything that can kill a student. Knives, guns. But it's not always obvious. [to a student] Are you kidding me? You know the rule about gum! [to a female student] Raise your arms, please. [to the security guard] With the women, you want to use the backs of the hands. The backs of the hands, Mitch. Last rule. Most important rule. You're gonna wanna fuck them. Do not fuck the students, do you understand?"

"Friedrich Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But 10 bucks says Nietzsche never got a swirly."

"[to Bobby Funke] You seem to be a little foggy as to why I'm here, Mr. Funke. From what I understand, you've made a mockery of this entire high school. You seem to think that this is some kind of circus and that I am some kind of clown. I'm not an effing clown. And I'm not here to bring joy and love and light and laughter into your effing heart! Now I'm going to ask you one more time. And this time I expect an answer. Is...that...gum...in your mouth?"

"Their alibis were like dutch ovens - gamy, but air tight."

"Josh Caras - Marty Mullen"

"Reece Thompson - Bobby Funke"

"Mischa Barton - Francesca Fachini"

"Bruce Willis - Principal Kirkpatrick"

"Bobcat Goldthwait as Troll"

"Tom Arnold as Boogeyman"

"Howie Mandel as Sandman"

"Sinbad as Raven"

"Taylor Momsen as Gretel"

"Thomas Curtis as Andrew"

"Jacob Smith as Hansel"

"Dakota Fanning as Katie"

"Off like a light, into the light!"

"Nice shorts!"

"Hang on tight, kids. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

"Alana Austin as Wood Fairy"

"Joe Ponazecki - Officer Ponazecki"

"Frank Campanella - Capt. Wallace"

"Thelma Ritter - Mrs. Schwartz"

"Morty Gunty - Sgt. Gunty"

"Jeanne Arnold - Gertrude"

"George Furth - Murgatroyd"

"Gillian Spencer - The Sack"

"Gerald McRaney as Father"