"Last Christmas is bad. Incredibly, shockingly, monumentally bad. The kind of bad that falls somewhere between finding a lump of coal in your stocking and discovering one painfully lodged in your rectum."

"Boris Isakovic — Ivan Andrich"

"Let me tell you a secret put it in your heart and keep it something that I want you to know."

"I'll nail you to my dick."

"There's no such thing as normal. It's a stupid word. Does a lot of damage."

"Dick means penis? No Dick is our neighbor. Our neighbor is called penis?"

"I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it."

"Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!"

"Jimmy Butler - himself"

"Michael Tourek - Alexei"

"Andrew Leeds - Tim"

"Adrian Martinez - Larry"

"Erick Chavarria - Alan"

"Fortune Feimster - Lonny"

"Matt Walsh - Ezra"

"Oliver Cooper - Drew"

"Randall Park - Fred"

"Rob Corddry - Jeremy Parker"

"Abbey Lee - Savannah"

"Jennifer Aniston - Carol Vanstone"

"T. J. Miller - Clay Vanstone"

"Kate McKinnon - Mary Winetoss"

"Jason Bateman - Josh Parker"

"Olivia Munn - Tracey Hughes"

"Courtney B. Vance - Walter Davis"

"Vanessa Bayer - Allison Parker"

"Karan Soni - Nate Winetoss"

"Sam Richardson - Joel"

"Jillian Bell - Trina"

"Jamie Chung - Meghan"

"Chloe Wepper - Kelsey"

"Ben Falcone - Doctor"

"Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas."

"[to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater."

"Da'Vine Joy Randolph - Carla"

"Mary Holland - Jane Caldwell"

"I started an Instagram feed for your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain. Your mother's going viral!"

"Dan Levy - John"

"Victor Garber - Ted Caldwell"

"We have been so worried about seeming perfect, but maybe we don't even know what perfect is. We have one daughter who has been unhappy in a marriage and felt like she couldn't tell us! And another daughter who just had her heart broken because she was afraid we wouldn't love her if she told us the truth. And the only reason that Jane is okay is because we gave up on her after she wouldn't stop biting in preschool. That is very far from perfect, if you ask me."

"I love you, girls. And I'm sorry for making you think that anything could ever get in the way of that. I want to do better, and it will take time, but all I want for you is to find the same joy and happiness that you have given me, no matter where it comes from."

"Mary Steenburgen - Tipper Caldwell"

"[while fighting with Harper and Abby wants to interfere]: You stay out of this, Sappho!"

"[to her parents]: Eric and I are getting a divorce. We separated a few months ago. And the truth is I didn’t tell you because without my family I’m worthless to you. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to earn your love, and I’m done, too."

"You have no idea what goes on in other people’s families, so you need to just keep your mouth shut!"

"Harper is a lesbian! Abby is her girlfriend."

"[after Abby is introduced to him as Harper's orphan friend]: Yes, of course. It's terrible. [pats her shoulder] There, there."

"Let me know if you guys need any more room. I can make myself real small."

"I had night terrors. They put me down here so I wouldn't wake everyone up."

"[after Harper accidentally destroys her painting]: I put 100 hours into that painting, and you... you just destroyed it like it was nothing. It was something. I am something. And guess what: I like myself. And maybe you all don’t because I’m not fancy. But whether you like it or not, I’m a part of this family, and I will not be left out anymore!"