"Mouling Jackson: [singing] Don't you ever say "No" to me / Listen, I'm a lady. Period. / Classy, too. / Won't you come over here / And I'll prove it to you / And then if you still don't think / I got style and grace / I'm going to oh, so gracefully / rip the lips off of your face!"

"[in a press conference] God knows I am a patriot. I loaned the country 400 Billion. And I want my 400 Million back. Does that make me a bad guy? I've got to eat too, you know! So I'm giving the President until the end of September this year to pay me back, or I'll be forced to foreclose. What can I do? I've got to eat too, you know! Does that make me a bad guy?"

"Everyone all across the country was watching the telethon. From what was left of New York, to the first all-gay state, North Dakota. All eyes were glued to their sets... [shot of men at stand-up urinals watching television] ...which in some cases, ruined a lot of good shoes."

"Jim Wakefield as House Manager"

"President Roosevelt was a successful graduate of EST, Scientology, TM and Primal Grope Therapy. And he was elected on a platform unique in American political history: "I'm not a schmuck!" Even though that was Chet's only campaign promise, it looked like it would be a tough one to keep."

"Lucy: [answering the phone at the Western White House] Hi! United States of America!... No, this is Lucy... Oh! Yes, Mr. Ambassador! I'll tell him you called!"

"Chief Dan George - Sam Birdwater"

"Bruno Kirby as Stanley"

"Judith Lowry as Mother Barlow"

"Dick Van Patten as Ira Kushaw"

"Ivor Francis as Dr. Skinner on TV"

"Joe Flynn as Cyrus Hershberger"

"Kathleen Cody as Wendy McCready"

"Jonathan Daly as Rev. Griffith"

"Joby Baker as Klutch"

"Bob Crane as Charlie McCready"

"Kurt Russell as Bart"

"Barbara Rush as Sue McCready"

"Naomi Stevens as Mrs. Levin"

"Jack Manning as Justice of the Peace"

"Nicholas Hammond as Roger Rhinehurst"

"He's been drugged by those two downstairs. This is a murder. See how he's slowly sliding into the water?"

"The likelihood of one individual being right increases in direct proportion to the intensity with which others are trying to prove him wrong."

"I'm not supposed to be here."

"I'm not really Leo Farnsworth."

"We don't care how much it costs, just how much it makes. If it costs too much, we charge a penny more. Would you pay more to save a fish who thinks?"

"Julia: You locked me in a closet!"

"Max: [whilst training Pendleton in the spacious mansion grounds] This isn't going to work. You're playing football with a bunch of butlers!"

"Ron Rifkin - Randy Esterhaus"

"Nicolas Coster - Spitzer"

"F. Murray Abraham - Howard Eppis"

"Fritz Weaver - Oscar Procari, Sr."

"Susan Anspach - Lila Shea"

"Bonnie Bedelia - Suzanne"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Moses Wine"

"John Lithgow - Sam Sebastian"

"Do you know why being a revolutionary doesn't work in this country? Being a revolutionary in America is like being a spoil sport at an orgy. All these goodies being passed around and you feel like a shit when you say no."

"Ofelia Medina - Alora"

"Hey, man! I can write copy faster than any alcoholic on this floor!"