Dead Ringers

"And there's a treat in store for Drama lovers now, as this BBC Two trail has been adapted by Andrew Davies. Well, he's written everything else this weekend so he might as well write this too. It'll be just the same as the other trails really, except I'm wearing a frock coat and a top hat. You might notice something a little sexier than usual... Picture of a topless woman flashes on screen"

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV2 is Pop Rivals: Extra. Expect to see tears aplenty from those young hopefuls who've had their dreams of becoming a household name crushed... by being chosen to be in the final band."

"Later tonight on BBC Four, we've a change to our scheduled film. In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe, we'll be screening Porky's Five Horny Babes in bikinis. No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I? Time for bed now, see you tomorrow!"

"Starting in a few minutes on ITV, it's the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald. Warning: may contain news."

"Friday night on BBC One, we'll discover who has won Fame Academy, as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity, and with the help of designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, throws them straight back into obscurity."

"Over on BBC One starting in a few minutes, there'll be a chance to see the advert for the BBC's new digital service. But don't worry if you miss it, because it'll be on again half-an-hour after that, and then again, and again and again right throughout the night until it reaches the stage you'll be wanting to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie!"

"Later this evening on 4 (Channel Four), we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment. That's 'Bloody Hell, That Weird Looking Bloke's Wearing a Dress!', tonight at nine."

"Great news for Muppets fans this festive season. There's a Muppet's Christmas Carol on ITV, A Muppet Treasure Island here on BBC One, and the Muppets Invade Baghdad and Kermit kicks Saddam's Arse on News 24."

"This festive season on BBC One, we've yet more increasingly desperate Weakest Link themed specials."

"You're watching BBC Two. Turkey curry? You sure that's a good idea?"

"Tomorrow at 9, we have a brand new reality TV series starring Chris Evans: When Bailiffs Attack!"

"Tomorrow here on 4, we have a brand new reality show: Rise. Where two presenters sit in a studio and try and vote out as many viewers as possible."

"Tomorrow night at 7:30 over on ITV1, there sees the start of a brand new series: Pets Rebuild Houses! That's followed at 8:30 by Celebrity Pets Rebuild Houses, where Carol Vorderman's terrapin redesigns Christopher Biggins's gazeebo!"

"At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother."

"You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!"

"Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio."

"Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again."

"Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!"

"There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King."

"This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa."

"Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse."

"Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week."

"You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?"

"Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap."

"Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum."

"A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy."

"You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?"

"Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode."

"Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost."

"Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!"

"And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!"

"Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV."

"Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television."

"Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!"

"It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!"

"Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here."

"Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet."

"This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards."

"This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too."

"Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!"

"Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through."

"Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!"

"CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History."

"Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all."

"You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!"

"There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!"

"Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32."

"(At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh."

"Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends."

"At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life."