"[voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! …"

"[last lines] So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a…"

"Time to nut up or shut up."

"My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie kill…"

"There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enj…"

"[silently crying about losing his 3-year-old son to the zombies] I haven't cried like that since Titanic."

"[about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck."

"[looking through a fried-Twinkie stand] Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are ya?!"

"Welcome to Zombieland."

"[to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!"