"I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis."

"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not E…"

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker...…"

"I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colore…"

"I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name."

"Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', en…"

"When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."

"Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and …"

"Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you ye…"

"Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right."