Zach Galifianakis

"Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right."

"I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis."

"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike..."

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63."

"I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People."

"I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name."

"Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'"... I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?""

"When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy."

"When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."

"Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.""

"Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!""

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean."

"My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing."

"I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver."

"I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?"

"I call my balls the bush twins."

"I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks."

"This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!""

"That was some really great "fatcting"."

"The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points."

"The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!"

"For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey."

"You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)."

"The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points."

"I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist."

"I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business."

"I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000."

"Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets."

"Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something"."