"Xykon: Y'know, I've destroyed entire towns, and the most I got from the surviving families were a few snarky comments. You, sir, have a serious problem with overreaction."

"Elan: It's true what they say: "Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!""

"Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?"

"Roy: I dream of the day when I will learn to stop asking questions to which I will regret learning the answers."

"Xykon: Sacrificing minions: is there any problem it CAN'T solve?"

"Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm."

"Belkar: Well, as usual, if falls to Yours Truly to save the day by serving someone a heapin' helping of Mama Bitterleaf's secret family recipe for their own steaming entrails on a platter."

"Belkar: It's like the old song says: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere."

"Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I had no idea your carts were filled with filthy lucre!"

"Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies.""

"Belkar: One order of gluttony with a side of corruption, please."

"Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?"

"Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!"

"Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire.""

"Celia: Hey, I don't make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose."

"Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay."

"Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled."

"Nameless Wizard: Excuse me, sir, if you're done pretending I can't hear you because I'm a nameless NPC, I'll head off to that tavern there to get utterly drunk in response to my life's apparent meaninglessness."

"Nale: Must... resist... urge to assert... heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!"

"Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?"

"Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?"

"Roy: He's doing it because he thinks that you've learned your lesson, and with my guidance, you'll stop resorting to violence to solve your problems."

"Vaarsuvius: Thrice-cursed Spell Resistance! It's almost like the universe is trying to deliberately force some form of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot."

"Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!"

"Redcloak: Look, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I'll deal with this later."

"Xykon: Goddamn, it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!"

"Elan: Hooray! Our long luteless nightmare is over! ... This is just like when Roy got his sword fixed! ... Or when Haley got her voice back! ... Or when Vaarsuvius was turned back into an elf. ... Or when Roy was turned back into a boy. ... Or when I got a new magic rapier. Twice."

"Redcloak: Normally, this sort of display is more my colleague's bailiwick..."

"Vaarsuvius: Welcome, however temporarily, to the Order of the Stick, Mr. Yukyuk. Continue this ratio of effectiveness-to-chatter, and I shall see if I cannot open up a position in our Short Dual-Wielding Murderer department. What say you to that?"

"Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch.""

"Kil-Kil: I calculate that the empire turned a total profit of 66,435 gp on their capture."

"Kil-Kil: I don't mean to alarm you, General, but I think that halfling is force-feeding another man's intestines to one of our guards."

"Vaarsuvius: The chance of Elan succeeding at any given task is directly proportionate to how much effort he is expending on achieving its inverse."

"Malack: --so then I said, "I don't care that you were late, Acolyte Prilak, I'm not going to repeat the conversation we all just had.""

"Tarquin: My name will be immortalized forever."

"Elan: But in the end--"

"Tarquin: In fact, I have a few duplicate magic items that may help you. Do you have a Ring of Regeneration yet? I never leave home without mine."

"Tarquin: But you can't make an omelette without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others."

"Vaarsuvius: (Upon witnessing a fat dragon fly on tiny wings) I should avoid casting any spells tonight, if only to give the laws of physics time to cry alone in the corner."

"Haley: Turns out the head general for this empire is Elan's long-lost father."

"Guard: How long do you think you'll be staying in the city?"

"Xykon: Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shackled to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh?"

"Crystal: Who's there?"

"Cedrik: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they're not responsible for their actions."

"Nero: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the backround."

"Belkar: Everyone tried so hard to block my path-- and in the end, all they really did was force me to learn how to climb mountains. All the better from which to pee on them, heh."

"Belkar: Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime."

"Kazumi: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!"