Television Personalities

"How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?"

"Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the fuck am I doing? I'm stuck on the weather channel. AHHH!"

"No we won't -- no we won't break the law Sharon."

"Its like Dr. Doolittle in this fucking house here."

"All you have to do is say Fuck Off when the vagina doctor calls."

"Well, its not that bad. I thought she was going to show me a picture of uhhhh...an eagle on her ass or something."

"You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!"

"International rock star - gravy maker extraordinaire."

"The Oklahoma Sooners and the Hornets are the only brothers in town."

"Anytime a fan touches you, you have the right to beat the hell out of him."

"Can I Play??"

"Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names."

"You know it's gone to hell, when the best rapper out there is a white guy and the best golfer is a black guy."

"I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I have no character."

"If you’re gay, bless you. If you’re transgender, bless you. If you have a problem with that, f--- you!"

"Oklahoma is nothing but vast wasteland; no place for black people."

"Poor people have been voting for Democrats for the last fifty years... and they are still poor."

"I can't screw up Alabama... We are number 48 in everything and Arkansas and Mississippi aren't going anywhere."

"It's great to be hosting SNL again. I hosted sixteen years ago. Back then I was in great shape, I was coming off an MVP season with the Phoenix Suns - now, I play bad golf, drink, sometimes I get arrested."

"I don't know anything about Angola, but Angola's in trouble."

"You can't start a diet in the middle of the week, that's just stupid."

"Only poor people go to jail."

"I am not a role model. I’m not paid to be a role model. I’m paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids."

"I'd have played against him (Len Bias) for the next 14 years. I would have been in my prime and he would have been in his. I'll never forget what he looked like. He was a 'Wow!' player. When Maryland played and was on television, I watched. It was like, 'I need to watch this guy; I'll be seeing him real soon.' . . . It was just shocking. Thing is, cocaine was huge then. My brother had been in and out of rehab a few times. . . . It was a popular drug at the time. And guys I was playing against, like John Lucas and Michael Ray Richardson and John Drew had done cocaine. I was thinking: 'What the hell is up with this cocaine? I should try this once to see what it was all about.' Then, we heard the reports were that Bias only used it once . . . that it was his first time. When I heard that, it scared me to death . . . scared the daylights out of me. It scared me into not trying it even once, not going anywhere near it."