"[Opening narration] WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're about to see."

"[Referring to proceed with a boxing match with Naoko Kumagai, a female Japanese kickboxer] I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl."

"[After getting a surprise haircut] Eh! What the fuck!"

"[About the upset customer in the store] He was so bummed! He went there to buy QTips and he just got bummed because there was a fight going on!"

"[Referring to father Phil's obesity] Look at Phil's tummy."

"This is Sweaty Fat Fucks. [Tony Hawk and Mat Hoffman hit Bam in the testicles]"

"[From extended footage, on phone] How much does Rake hate mustard? [To cameraman] This is Rake's mom and she says I wouldn't be able to have children in my future."

"[After waking Phil up with fire works] Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight."

"Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?"

"I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail and... or try to."

"I have bad news written all over me."

"This is the Muscle Simulator."

"[To "Jewelery Burglary" skit bystander] I was barely halfway through the ceiling and you were already out the door!"

"That was my flesh!"

"[To Steve-O] Go grab the dead kitty! [Later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the septic river] You're not going to save the kitty?"

"I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong!"

"You little bastard!"

"There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!"

"[Referring to firework going off] That almost hit Loomis in the face!"

"[After returning the smashed up car] But I returned it with a full tank of gas."

"Do you have a pocket ass?"

"[Giving off camera direction to Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna] Kick yourself in the head, wee man."

"[Laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh shit, I'm taking a cab back to the hotel!"

"I think I'm a little concussed."

"[After being beat up by Butterbean] Is Butterbean OK?"

"Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that."

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates."

"[Opening line] Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"