First Quote Added
April 10, 2026
Latest Quote Added
"Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."
"My shirt size is medium husky."
"[to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!"
"[repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss.."
"Can I have one last first kiss?"
"Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that."
"[using Willy to try and get Lucy's attention on the side of the road]"
"Sorry I'm not better lookin’."
"I have no life."
"Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?"
"Paul Spericki: I'll see you at the "I've-Peaked-and-I'm-Kidding-Myself" party."
"Benny Urquidez - Felix La Pubelle"
"K. Todd Freeman - Agent Kenneth McCullers"
"Hank Azaria - Agent Steve Lardner"
"Jeremy Piven - Paul Spericki"
"Minnie Driver - Debi Newberry"
"Dan Aykroyd - Mr. Grocer"
"Joan Cusack - Marcella"
"Alan Arkin - Dr. Oatman"
"John Cusack - Martin Blank"
"Paul Spericki: Wow. Just looking for a little validation for my life but apparently came up SHORT!"
"Bob Destepello: You wanna do some blow?"
"Ultimart Clerk: [after the convenience store blows up] No, I'm NOT all right! I'm hurt, I'm pissed... I gotta find a new job!"
"Agent Steve Lardner: You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. It doesn't work like that. You've got to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy. Then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy."
"Marcella: Sir, it's out of my hands. The gods want you to go back home, and they want you to delete someone while you're there."
"Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your FUCKIN' forehead and I'm gonna FUCK the brain hole!"
"Uh-oh! Smells like a wedding! You're breaking my heart down here, Blank! I can't aim through the tears!"
"Easy there, chief. I don't see hollow-point wound care on the menu."
"Hey, hey, bing bing bing bing bang! POPCORN!"
"See, kid, this is what I'm talking about. We could be working together again, for God's sake. You know? Making big money, killing important people!"
"[Martin gives Debi flowers] I'll go put these in some rubbing alcohol."
"Where are all the good men dead? In the heart or in the head?"
"People say forgive and forget. Yeah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And get the hell out of town."
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's... well... broken."
"Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone."
"A thousand innocent people get killed every day, but a millionaire's pet gets detonated and you're marked for life."
"[to himself, rehearsing] Hi! I'm Martin Blank, do you remember me? I'm not married, I don't have any kids, and I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough."
"I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?""
"Dr. Oatman, please pick up, pick up! It's Martin Blank! I, I'm standing where my, uh, living room was and it's not here because my house is gone and it's an Ultimart! You can never go home again, Oatman... but I guess you can shop there."
"I know what I do isn't... moral, per se..."
"When I left, I joined the army, and when I took the service exam my psych profile fit a certain... moral flexibility would be the only way to describe it... and I was loaned out to a CIA-sponsored program, and we sort of found each other. That's how it works."
"I guess you could say I went west. You know, the way of Horatio Alger, Davy Crockett, the Donner Party..."
"If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there."
"Je n'aime pas dans les vieux films américains quand les conducteurs ne regardent pas la route."
"Serge Merlin — Raymond Dufayel"
"Jamel Debbouze — Lucien"
"Urbain Cancelier — Collignon, the Grocer"
"Arthus de Penguern — Hipolito, the Writer"
"Yolande Moreau — Madeleine Wallace, the Concierge"
"Rufus — Raphaël Poulain, Amélie's Father"