"Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for the Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings!"

"Polly: You missed, fuckface!"

"Organized crime has never been so disorganized!"

"You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches!"

"Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!"

"With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal."

"Michael Keaton - Johnny Kelly (a.k.a. Johnny Dangerously)"

"I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves."

"Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked."

"I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things."

"I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!"

"You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once... Once."

"I've fulfilled a lot of people's predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag."

"The Lower East Side. This really sucks."

"You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once... Once."

"The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously."

"I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to."

"Diversification. Yes, sir. We're constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper."

"Glynnis O'Connor - Sally"

"Ron Carey - Pat"

"Ray Walston - Vendor"

"Alan Hale, Jr. - the Desk Sergeant"

"Dom DeLuise - The Pope"

"Danny DeVito - Burr"

"Neal Israel - Dr. Zilman"

"Dick Butkus - Arthur"

"Maureen Stapleton - Ma Kelly"

"Peter Boyle - Jocko Dundee"

"Richard Dimitri - Roman Troy Moronie"

"Marilu Henner - Lil Sheridan"

"And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. If you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body."

"Griffin Dunne - Tommy Kelly"

"Joe Piscopo - Danny Vermin"

"Ed O'Ross - Itchy"

"Seymour Cassel- Sam Catchem"

"Glenne Headley - Tess Trueheart"

"Madonna - Breathless Mahoney"