"Nathan's dad: He's fifteen years old. He's fifteen. That boy is fifteen! Stuart: So? That Jeep's only six months, and you've still gone and buggered it!"

"Can you believe it? They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex!"

"Nathan: I'm still gonna go out, to the Village. Nathan's dad: Not on school nights you're not. Nathan: And I'm not gonna change. You know that, don't you? Cos it isn't a phase. I'm not gonna grow out of it. I'm gonna be gay forever. Nathan's dad: You've made your mind up. It's obvious there's no stopping you. It's Helen I'm worried about. She's ten years old. She's a child. I don't want her head filled with notions. Nathan: Like what? Nathan's dad: As far as Helen's concerned, the anus is for shit. Got that?"

"Stuart: We don't do hammers, or nails, or saw. We do joints and screws, but that's different. Stuart's mother: Who does? Stuart: Queers. Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and I am fucked. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert. If there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here. So congratulations, Thomas. I've just officially outed you."

"Stuart: So, er, how many men have you had now? Nathan: Dunno. About... seven? Vince: Shit. Stuart: Seven. I must've had about 2,007. Nathan: Yeah? That means I've got 2,000 to go. How many have you got left?"

"Stuart: What, come back to this? The ghetto: alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show, and all the idiots saving all week, saving their stupid money from their stupid idiot jobs so they can come and shoot their load with some stranger. And just you look after it, this stupid little street. It's the middle of the world. Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone. And every single night, someone meets someone."

"Vince: It's all yours now, all of them, all the poofs and all the dykes and all the people inbetween. And this lot, they'll shag ya, they'll rob ya, some of them might even love ya. They'll all forget you in the end. Just stick with your friends, you'll be fine."

"Stuart Alan Jones — Aidan Gillen"

"Vince Tyler — Craig Kelly"

"Nathan Maloney — Charlie Hunnam"

"Stuart: Here she is! Rosalie, have you met Cameron? Let's go say hello. Cameron! This is Cameron, he's Vince's boyfriend. They've been going out for ages! Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit! He's bought him a car! He's the perfect boyfriend – they're practically married!"

"It's the exact opposite of childbirth. First you have the baby, then you get fucked."

"Nathan: Donna, you don't know her! You don't know anything! Cos you're straight! Right? You're part of the system! Right? You're part of the fascist heterosexual orthodoxy! Donna: I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week."

"Stuart: Give him six months and he'll be able to name all the Doctor Whos, in order – William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy. Vince: What about Paul McGann? Both Together: Paul McGann doesn't count!"

"Vince: Says he’s 36, the liar. I’m sitting here with an old man. It’s like the auditions for Cocoon 3."

"Stuart: Tell him that story about the broken leg, that always works."

"Nathan: [barges in] Is that Vince? Say hello for me."

"Stuart: Uh, some twat says hello."

"Vince: is that Nathan? Stuart, listen, his mother had a rag on me. Do us a favor and keep an eye on him?"

"Stuart: Never mind him, just think about yourself for once."

"Cameron: We could go somewhere afterwards, I dunno. There’s pubs open, you’re the expert."

"Vince: Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta make this call, there’s this boy and no one’s looking after him. Bit of a crisis, you don’t mind?"

"Vince: Stuart, seriously, it’s your fault he’s left home. He could wander off at anywhere."

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers it] Yeah?"

"Marie: [sarcastically] Thank you Stuart, thank you so much. I’ve had Ben crying his eyes out, that’s all he needs, another man to abandon him."

"Stuart: I did phone Marie, I left a message. It’s just, it’s an emergency, I’ve gotta work."

"Marie: You’re in a bar, I can hear it! How many dates do you think I get anyway, a mother with two kids?"

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers]"

"Sandra (Stuart’s PA): Are you with Martin Brooks? Cause his mobile’s switched off. His wife’s on the phone, the roof falling or something."

"Stuart: Martin, it’s your wife."

"Martin: I’m not here."

"Stuart: He’s not here."

"Vince: Call waiting. He’s a busy man."

"Cameron: Look, I really don’t mind, but can you put the phone down? Just for a minute."

"Vince: Yeah... Sure. Sorry."

"Cameron: Right. Cause if you wanna go clubbing, I could uh..."

"Vince: I’m sorry. It’s this boy, I promised his mother. [Answers] Hello?"

"Marie: You’ve kept me waiting long enough, now put him on the phone!"

"Vince: I’m not with Stuart."

"Marie: You’re always with him! I was supposed to be on a date and he’s ruined it!"

"Vince: I’m not. Honestly, I’m not. Hold on, call waiting again. [Answers] Yeah?"

"Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive."

"Sandra: His wife’s going mental."

"Vince: Whose wife?"

"Sandra: Martin Brooks’!"

"Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!"

"Stuart: You hung up on me."