Jews From The United States

"Traditions are the guideposts driven deep in our subconscious minds. The most powerful ones are those we can't even describe and aren't even aware of."

"Things keep changing and things keep happening. I never really run out of ideas. I guess as long as I'm interested, I'll be interesting."

"The things we hate about ourselves aren't more real than things we like about ourselves."

"Once upon a time we were just plain people. But that was before we began having relationships with mechanical systems. Get involved with a machine and sooner or later you are reduced to a factor."

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it."

"Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience— unless they are still up."

"In the biotech revolution, it is the human body, not iron or steel or plastic, that's at the source. Are the biocapitalists going to be allowed to dig without consent into our genetic codes, then market them?"

"In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right."

"I regard this novel as a work without redeeming social value, unless it can be recycled as a cardboard box."

"I have never been especially impressed by the heroics of people convinced that they are about to change the world. I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference after another."

"I began to realize that life is a growth stage I'm going through."

"Americans once expected parents to raise their children in accordance with the dominant cultural messages. Today they are expected to raise their children in opposition to them. Once the chorus of cultural values was full of ministers, teachers, neighbors, leaders. They demanded more conformity, but offered more support. Now the messengers are violent cartoon characters, rappers and celebrities selling sneakers. Parents are considered "responsible" only if they are successful in their resistance. That's what makes child-raising harder. It's not just that American families have less time with their kids; it's that we have to spend more of this time doing battle with our own culture."

"I would like to say we're at a point where global warming is impossible to deny. Let's just say that global warming deniers are now on a par with Holocaust deniers, though one denies the past and the other denies the present and future."

"I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!""

"Can I say that curse word now?"

"This is madness!"

"So that's how you wanna play it, old man? No dessert? Oh sure, we'll eat our dinner, right after you eat THIS!"

"Congratulations, San Francisco! You’ve ruined pizza! First the Hawaiians, and now you!"

"When you turned it on, it said its name: "Droid." I keep it here in my pocket. I wish it would say "Groin", then I'd always know where it is. I don't think it's really smart to keep a phone this large and a screen that big right next to your nutsack. I believe my sperm are dying. I hear them weeping every morning. "Son of a bitch, Lou! It's hot as hell down here! Goddammit, it's like the sun is out twenty-four hours a day! Get us some water! I don't think we're gonna make it to the top of the hill again!""

"What did you think I was gonna do, launch into some commercial for this? "Oh yeah, I couldn't be happier. When I got my Droid, it changed my life! Three days later, I accepted Christ into my heart as my one true savior! And Droid is the one with the Jesus app! Even if you get rid of it, every Easter Sunday he comes back again!""

"So I went down to Verizon, and I got myself a Droid. (audience cheers, and then laughs as he gives them an incredulous look) Don't you ever... ever... applaud an inanimate object again."

"This is how fucked up I was: I brought a landline so I could keep my fucking phone! I broke with AT&T when they announced that you could buy, for your home, a transmitter for 200 dollars. A 200-dollar transmitter, so that you can help AT&T build the infrastructure you thought you were getting when you brought the piece of shit! I don't think-- We don't know, do we, what a cellphone does to us? Imagine what a transmitter will do! I believe that your shit'll be glowing in a week! "Honey, have we been eating phosphorous?!" Here's the kicker: AT&T is then gonna charge you twelve dollars a month to use the transmitter you already brought from them, so that AT&T successfully turns your cellphone BACK INTO A FUCKING LANDLINE, ASSHOLE!"

"Now I used to have an iPhone. And it was a great computer. It was in no way a phone. Because the carrier was AT&T, and AT&T is a carrier, in much the same way as a mosquito carries malaria. I'd have been better off with a Dixie Cup and a string. I finally took it over to the Apple Store to see if there was something they could do. And let me just say: if you're interested in what life is like on other planets, you're gonna wanna get to the Apple Store. They. Are not. Of us. They. Have. No genitals. It's why they stand so close - they're sniffing you. That's how they get their data. Yes, it is. So I was standing in the Apple Store, and a capon came up to me. "I see you have an iPhone. How many applications have you downloaded into your phone?" (makes sniffing noises) "Well, I haven't downloaded any... um, I came here to see if you had an app that would turn this PIECE OF SHIT INTO A FUCKING PHONE!""

"Everybody knew there was a housing bubble. You'd fucking go to a neighbor, "Gee, that house costed $60,000 last year, and now it costs $600,000?! What did they do?!" "Well, they put a gazebo in the back.""

"Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SHIT! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went "Ooh, let me smell it.""

"I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself."

"If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit."

"I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part."

"[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!"

"Or... if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!"

"I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!""

"We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!""

"There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!"

"Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!"

"Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller."

"[About the "movers and the shakers" of the government] These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word "shit" makes them cry. "Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!""

"[about solar energy] If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!"

"FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass."

"North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from."

"Equestrian," by the by - that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians." There's nothing worse than going to some event that you have no interest in. I didn't give a shit, but you gotta pretend! I mean, what do you say at a horse show? "Look at the cock on that one! I'd say he's a winner, if he doesn't trip over it!"

"They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, "Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!" They turned an donalds hiccups into Auschwitz!"

"Dick Cheney... and that's all I gotta say. Isn't it great that we've reached that point? You don't even have to say "Dick Cheney, the Vice President who shot his friend in the face while hunting". "Dick Cheney", everybody goes "Waha!" and we move on. He went quail hunting. Quail hunting! He went hunting for quail! You do not use the words "hunt" and "quail" together in a sentence! You don't hunt for quail! You might track quail, you might walk behind them, wondering "What kind of a miserable fuck existence do you have?!" [holding up his fist] THEY'RE THIS BIG! THEY'RE TINY LITTLE BIRDS! They barely fuck fly! And they clip their wings! They clip their wings, so they couldn't fly any higher than ten feet, are you fucking kidding me?! Unbelievable. And you shoot them with bird shot. Not like a BB gun, which would do the job. No, bird shot which is just a spray of fucking metal and shit, just... [does hand gesture and blows raspberry] And then you gotta wait till the dust clears: "Did I hit anything?!" Going quail hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing," and going to a goldfish bowl and going "Got it!"... I, uh, am not a hunter. For those of you that probably thought "Wow, he'd look good in orange.""

"There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary."

"[about how the Earth was created] And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "Fossil!" And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head."

"[on the creation myth] This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest."

"I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out." What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over."

"Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.""

"I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid."

"If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college."

"And so they turned to the Republican Party and they said, “Come on, get the little prick!” And so the Republicans took out their rifles, got him in their sights, then turned the rifles around and went…BAM! You want to learn one thing from this whole fiasco? If you’re going to hire a lawyer to nail somebody, you don’t hire somebody like Ken Starr. If you want to get somebody, and he was an asshole, you don’t hire a BIGGER asshole! ’Cause then the bigger asshole makes the asshole look like it’s just a rectum."