"Say this one time with me: "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?"... Good. Now memorize it, because starting now, the only job that you're going to be able to get on this planet or any other planet is selling SHOES!"

"Avoid women directors. They ovulate. Do you have any idea what that does to a three month shoot?"

"You look happy. I hate that!"

"[to Dawn] Look, once you're past the "oops, he caught us" stage and realize that we are both fucked, let me know, okay?"

"Back Stabbing - Two Faced - Revenge"

"In Hollywood all his dreams could come true... But first he has to make coffee."

"He's been humiliated, kicked and spat on... and it's only 10:00 am."

"Life is not a movie"

"Kevin Spacey — Buddy Ackerman"

"Frank Whaley — Guy"

"Michelle Forbes — Dawn Lockard"

"Benicio Del Toro — Rex"

"If they can't start a meeting without you, well, that's a meeting worth going to, isn't it? And that's the only kind of meeting you should ever concern yourselves with."

"You think you know it all, don't you? You're 25 years old. You're a baby. You don't know shit."

"Look, I can appreciate this. I was young too, I felt just like you. Hated authority, hated all my bosses, thought they were full of shit. Look, it's like they say, 'If you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains.' Because there are no story-book romances, no fairy-tale endings. So before you run out and change the world, ask yourself, 'What do you really want?'"

"You were getting complacent, ungrateful, complete and total job burnout, and don't think I didn't notice. You just didn't give a shit anymore. Draggin' your feet everywhere. Telling everybody you were doing my job. That you were running the show. That without you, I was nothing. Yeah, people tell me things. So don't come preaching to me about your ideas of what's fair. You're no martyr here. You're no hero. You're just a fuckin' hypocrite. You're just like any other punk kid out there, lookin' for a way in, any way in, and you need me!!!"

"Look, I don't make the rules. I play by them. What, your job is unfair to you? Grow up, way it goes. People use you? Life's unfair? Grow up, way it goes. Your girlfriend doesn't love you? Tough shit, way it goes. Your wife gets raped and shot, and they leave their unfinished beers...[choking up] their... their stinking long-necks... just lying there on the ground... [cries for a moment, and regains his composure] So be it. Way it goes..."

"All right, Guy, come on, let's finish this. Give it to me. Show me what you're made of. Show me what you've learned. Don't let me down, son. Everything I've taught you comes down to this. This is the only way that you can hope to survive. Because life is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love does not conquer all. So let's do this thing. Let's finish it."

"[After shooting Buddy's phone] I want you, to think and remember, every insult, every offence, everything you have ever taken away from me. Think to yourself. Its pay back time."

"[While torturing Buddy] It makes me feel so much better."

"You can't imagine what I've come up with. [shows Buddy an envelope] Paper cuts, now they can be a bitch, occupational hazard I guess. But I bet its been a while since you've had one. Me, I'm starting to get used to them. [slices the envelope into Buddy's face] Stings, doesn't it? Well, like I said, you'll get used to them."

"[Upon reading Tess' day planner] Why that little... slut! That goddamn little... bitch! Secretary!"

"You got it! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! She's out! She made it out! She got out! She has her own office!"

"Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will."

"[looking at a dress] Six thousand dollars? It's not even leather!"

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"[from her new, private office] Hey, Cyn. Guess where I am."

"[Mick has bought Tess some lingerie for her birthday] Y'know, Mick, just once I could go for like a sweater or some earrings... something that I could actually wear outside of this apartment?"

"[on computer] Dear Jack, There's a light bulb over my head. I know Trask and you know media. And that adds up to us finally doing a deal together. Let's run with it. Best, Katherine."

"For anyone who's ever won. For anyone who's ever lost. And for everyone who's still in there trying."

"Stephen Root - Milton Waddams"

"Jon Schroeder - Ernest Porter"

"Brian Carlos - Vincent Porter"

"Diedrich Bader - Lawrence"

"Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar"

"David Herman - Michael Bolton"

"Jennifer Aniston - Joanna"

"Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons"

"Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday..."

"Work Sucks"

"[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter...watch your cornhole, bud."

"[When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

"[frustrated with the malfunctioning printer] Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there is no paper jam?!"

"[Repeated line] Fuckin' A!"