"Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski."

"Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise."

"[to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?"

"Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, [grabs his crotch] Huevos grandes, amigo!"

"[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night."

"[on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked."

"I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet."

"Natasha Henstridge - Cynthia Tudeski"

"Amanda Peet - Jill St. Claire"

"Kevin Pollak - Janni Pytor Gogolak"

"Harland Williams - Special Agent Steve Hanson"

"You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] ...does this slide?"

"[The phone rings, Oz is startled] Phone!..[The phone rings again]..There it is again!"

"[Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic."

"OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder."

"Oh, and don't forget the body!"

"Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch."

"You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head]"

"Room service? Yes this is room 519. I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch!"

"I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise."

"Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives."