"[to Trisha over the phone] Really? It took me, like, 3 hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."

"[while hitting a tetherball repeatedly] [hit] Yes! [hit] Yes! [hit] Yes!"

"[to Deb] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? Because you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to. Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my nunchucks in there anymore."

"Yeah, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bo staff."

"Yeah, hold on...I forgot to put in the crystals."

"Pedro offers you his protection."

"Do the chickens have large talons?"

"I caught you a delicious bass."

"[on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, and Al Donnelly kicks ass, and you put them both together and you got yourself some kick ass shit!"

"[talking on the phone] Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Atwood! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I had a doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry, honey, please don't! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I..."

"Timothy Carhart - Roger Kovary"

"Tim Matheson - Al Donnelly"

"David Spade - Steve Dodds"

"Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly"

"[trying to pronounce "roads"] Row-ads. Roods."

"Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?"

"[on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky, and Jan Brady all rolled into one."

"[holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong [Root quickly gives and Mike falls to the foot of the mountain] What in the hell was that all about!?"

"Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now."

"We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!"

"And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!""

"[on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!"

"There's no access for you in this quadrant."