Comedians From England

"He's always been the person who's made me laugh most. He uses humour in a very disarming way. I've seen how people enjoy his company and have always envied that, and have wanted to aspire to that."

"I was embarrassed by it and racked by middle-class guilt. But when you're on stage, if you're trying to be something you're not, it becomes so much harder. It's better to be honest and take every vulnerability and flaw you have, and mock them and deal with them."

"My career has evolved at its own peculiar pace, American careers are supposed to have a much more singular direction than I've been able to... stomach. Really. In most careers you find something you do well and you tie an increasingly larger bow on the package. My interests and obsessions have always been so wide-ranging that I keep popping my head out of different boxes as much as possible.That's far more interesting for me."

"I think that if you get too close to the character, if you do too much historical research, you may find yourself defending your view of a character against the author's view, and I think that's terribly dangerous."

"It's much more a matter of playing the characters as they were written by the authors, because of the liberties that have been taken with pretty much all of them. They've all been distorted in one way or another, because the authors have hardly stuck to the facts."

"David Frost has risen without trace."

"Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee."

"Hello, good evening and welcome."

"Seriously, though, he's doing a grand job!"

"If we took something like any fiction, any holy book… and destroyed it, in a thousand year’s time that wouldn’t come back just as it was. Whereas if we took every science book, and every fact, and destroyed them all, in a thousand years time, they’d all be back."

"It’s awful to think of people eating dogs, but some people eat pork. I don’t, but some people do. And a pig is just like a dog, there is no difference between them."

"If humanity was , the Earth would return to a paradise in a few hundred years. If we lose bees, we’re a desert, forever. We’re not that important. We’re just one species of narcissistic ape. And some people on social media get annoyed when I say we’re apes. You know, religious types, Americans."

"I think a comedian's job isn't just to make people laugh. I think it's to make people think."

"Science seeks the truth. And it does not discriminate. For better or worse it finds things out. Science is humble. It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know. It bases its conclusions and beliefs on hard evidence -­- evidence that is constantly updated and upgraded. It doesn’t get offended when new facts come along. It embraces the body of knowledge. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition. If it did, you wouldn’t get a shot of penicillin, you’d pop a leech down your trousers and pray."

"Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors, we are their equals. We are their family. Be kind to them."

"The truth doesn’t hurt. Whatever it is, it doesn’t hurt. It’s better to know the truth."

"You have options. You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop being angry at everyone and accept the way things are. Allow yourself to live."

"If there is a god, why did he make me an atheist? That was his first mistake. Well, the talking snake was his first mistake."

"Why don’t you believe in God? I get that question all the time. I always try to give a sensitive, reasoned answer. This is usually awkward, time consuming and pointless. People who believe in God don’t need proof of his existence, and they certainly don’t want evidence to the contrary. They are happy with their belief. They even say things like “it’s true to me” and “it’s faith.” I still give my logical answer because I feel that not being honest would be patronizing and impolite. It is ironic therefore that “I don’t believe in God because there is absolutely no scientific evidence for his existence and from what I’ve heard the very definition is a logical impossibility in this known universe” comes across as both patronizing and impolite."

"He is the embodiment of Fleet Street bullying, using his newspaper to peddle his Little-England, curtain-twitching Alan Partridgesque view of the world, which manages to combine sanctimonious, pompous moralising and prurient, voyeuristic, judgmental obsession, like a Victorian father masturbating secretly in his bedroom."

"I'll start the show any second now, I'm just warming myself up into a bundle of spite."

"[To Jimmy Edwards] Don't forget we are talking to rebels."

"Ten years ago I would have been dumbstruck by the attitude of Equity. Nowadays, however, we appear to be conditioned to the erosion of our liberties, and seem to have lost the will to fight for what we believe is right, and not for what is fashionable. Actions like that of Equity can only inflame the situation, whereas art should break down barriers, not help create them. I have been uplifted by the spirit of the people, Black and white. Not all Rhodesians agree with [prime minister] Ian Smith, but I have a feeling most people respect him."

"If you understand comedy, you understand life. Drama, death, tragedy – everybody has these. But with humour you've got all these, and the antidote. You have found the answer. It doesn't follow that because you are a good comedy writer, you're a happy fellow. I've got one of the most miserable faces in the world. I am only happy when I am working. If I'm not working, I get screwed up because my time is going, my life is slipping by."

"I always say to young people, you can have the best script, be the funniest man, but if they don't laugh — you're not a comedian."

"My theory is that we are all idiots. The people who don’t think they’re idiots — they’re the ones that are dangerous."

"Oh – what's the bloody point?"

"It's frightening to think with modern medicine and all the technique available to them they can't really help you. In the old days, you know, you were better off because nowadays, they are all specialists. Everyone's becoming better and better at less and less. Eventually someone's going to be superb, at nothing."

"He was very difficult to work with. When he felt like it, it was just bliss. But he could be hideous."

"[On Kenneth Williams] He was quite happy to steal the good lines I made up and use them before I could say them [...] He would do anything as long as he came out best. It was outrageous."

"I had to hide every morning, until Daddy had gone out to work. And then stay out late to try to avoid him in the evening. Because of these terrible rows. Mummy would come and try to get me to go back home in the middle of the day. After about a year the school said look, this cannot carry on. I had to leave."

"It's really splendid, my dear. Are you going to bring it into town?"

"Living with someone always means a denial of self in SOME way and I suppose I have always known it was something I couldn't accomplish. So I've always stayed on the sidelines. Getting the pleasure vicariously. It's not wholly satisfactory, but then of course no lives are, and you know what I think about indiscriminate sex and promiscuous trade. I think it's the beginning of a long, long road to despair."

"I think my parents had visions of me being found in the Thames with six illicit foetuses in my womb and needle marks up my arm."

"I can remember what I ate. Coconut squares dipped in chocolate, wrapped in gold paper."

"All problems have to be solved eventually by ONESELF, and that's where all your lovely John Donne stuff turns out to be a load of crap because, in the last analysis, A MAN IS AN ISLAND"

"I remember once saying that I'd like to go to university. My father told me: "I would rather see you dead at my feet than have you go to a university." I'm laughing about it now, but at the time I was terribly upset. I didn't even understand what going to university meant."

"Home life was horrid. Daddy used to knock me about with his fists, and my mother would egg him on."

"You get set on a path and, if you succeed, you get better parts, but of the same kind. If you don't take a lot of trouble, you get stuck like that."

"We'd seen all the rushes, which we thought very funny, but the premiere audience reaction was cold and so were the reviews. However, the moment it was released it made audiences everywhere laugh like anything, and it showed that our original reaction had been right. What a relief!"

"[On Norman Wisdom] One knew that he would lay his hands on anybody [...] You had to make sure you nipped about a bit. There's a way of doing it without reprimanding. He obviously had a terrific inferiority complex."

"I wanna tell you a story"

"My outlook is that life is like a self-service restaurant and you have to help yourself. Sometimes when you see what the other fella has got, you want some of it too."

"I'd never malign another performer, but the style is not good enough. They've done away with laugh pay-offs. We were given nine minutes or eight minutes. Now they wander wherever they like, they don't get to any jokes before they've been on for two minutes. We had to make an impact in ten seconds."

"Fidel Castro: [having shot dead the President of Cuba] Hasta la vista, General Batista!"

"I crawled in the street and I murmured,"I'm done." Then up came Old Jenkins and shouted,"Oh son!" "My word you do look well! My word you do look well! You're looking fine and in the pink!" I shouted, "Am I? Come and have a drink! You've put new life in me, I'm sounder than a bell. By gad! There's life in the old dog yet. My word I do feel well!""

"My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad. Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad," He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do. Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you." He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot, And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello, My word you do look queer!""

"And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The handkerchiefs that cost me three shillings or so - And that seems a lot for poor Uncle John And anything goes to blow noses on. Talking of noses, hers is red enough. I know what I'll buy her. A nice powder puff. Now she can't powder her nose with a grand piano. Nor yet with a sewing machine. She can't powder her nose with an Ingersoll watch - Well that's silly, you know what I mean. She can't powder her nose with a jumper. She'll find that a little bit rough. So I'll pop round to Woolworth's tomorrow, God bless her And buy her a nice powder puff. And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! Sixpence ha'pennies aren't found in back yards. I'll not buy her a powder puff at all - no. I'll just send her my kindest regards."

"And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know! The sewing machine that cost me twenty guineas or so. And that would buy plenty of linen and thread And things that are hand-made are best, so it's said. It's not that I'm mingy - although I'm half Scotch. I know what I'll buy her. A Ingersoll watch."

"I've been very poorly but now I feel prime, I've been out today for the very first time. I felt like a lad as I walked down the road, Then I met Old Jones and he said, "Well I'm blowed! My word you do look queer! My word you do look queer! Oh, dear! You look dreadful: you've had a near shave, You look like a man with one foot in the grave." I said, "Bosh! l'm better; it's true I've been ill." He said, "I'm delighted you're better, but still, I wish you'd a thousand for me in your will. My word, you do look queer!""