"[voice-over] Alice, you've disappeared, like everything else. Who else can I talk to? I'm lost. When you left...and he left...you took everything with you. But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But in a way I'm glad...the pain is my only reminder that he was real...that you all were..."

"[voice-over] Alice, I saw him. Maybe I'm crazy now, I guess that's okay. If a rush of danger is what it take to see him, then that's what I'll find."

"[voice-over] Alice. I wish I had your real address. I wish I could tell you about Jake. He makes me feel better. I mean...he makes me feel alive. The hole in my chest...well, when I'm with Jake it's like it's almost healed...for a while. But even Jake can't keep the dreams away."

"[voice-over] Alice, things are...things are bad again. Without Jake, I, I can't stand it. I don't see Edward anymore...will it really feel like he never existed? I will find a place where I can see him again."

"[voice-over] Alice, is it possible that everything is true? Fairy tales and horror stories? Is it possible that there isn't anything sane or normal at all?"

"[voice-over] Alice, I'm alright, until I'm alone. And lately that's all the time. Jacob's gone. He's hunting Victoria. And Charlie's hunting Jacob. And you're gone and so is Edward. And there's just nothing now. But I realize where I have to go, what I have to do to see him again."

"Because it doesn't make sense for you to love me. I always knew that."

"Jake... I love you. So, please. Don't make me choose. Cause it'll be him. It has always been him."

"Shhhhhhhut up..."

"You don't know a thing about his soul."

"I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them?"

"I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?"

"I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami". Yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" 5-6 times a day."

"No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!"

"There's something about your first piece."

"Come again!"

"Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie."

"Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein"

"Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher"

"Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers"

"Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty"

"Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia"

"Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum"

"Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch"

"Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler"