"[to Edward Lyle] You won the war. Now we're fighting the peace. It's a lot more volatile. Now we've got ten million crackpots out there with sniper scopes, sarin gas and C-4. Ten-year-olds go on the Net, downloading encryption we can barely break, not to mention instructions on how to make a low-yield nuclear device. Privacy's been dead for 30 years because we can't risk it. The only privacy that's left is the inside of your head. Maybe that's enough. You think we're the enemy of democracy, you and I? I think we're democracy's last hope. There's always going to be power."

"[explaining himself to Mr Pintero's lieutenant when a new article tags him and Pintero] Actually, I believe the slur "shyster" is generally reserved for Jewish attorneys. I believe the proper slur for someone like myself would be "eggplant"."

"Aretha Franklin - Mrs. Murphy"

"Steven Spielberg - Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk"

"Charles Napier - Tucker McElroy"

"- Corrections Officer"

"Twiggy - Chic Lady"

"- Maury Sline"

"- Sister Mary Stigmata (a.k.a. The Penguin)"

"- Burton Mercer"

"- Head Nazi"

"Carrie Fisher - Mystery Woman"

"Paul Reubens - Chez Paul Waiter"

"- Alan 'Mr. Fabulous' Rubin"

"- Matt 'Guitar' Murphy"

"- 'Blue Lou' Marini"

"- Tom 'Bones' Malone"

"- Willie 'Too Big' Hall"

"- Murphy 'Murph' Dunne"

"- Donald 'Duck' Dunn"

"- Steve 'The Colonel' Cropper"

"John Belushi - 'Joliet' Jake Blues"

"A briefcase full of blues."

"The show that really hits the road."

"The most dangerous combination since nitro and glycerine."

"They're back."

"They'll never get caught. They're on a mission from God."

"Ray Charles - Ray"

"James Brown - Reverend Cleophus James"

"Dan Aykroyd - Elwood Blues"

"We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community who have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time. We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the show. And please remember, people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same. You. Me. Them. Everybody. Everybody."

"Sister Mary Stigmata: You two are such a disappointing pair! I prayed so hard for you both. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the Ten Commandments have returned to me as two thieves with filthy mouths, disgusting lies and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back...until you've redeemed yourselves."

"Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved."