Activists From Scotland

"You get these people, and they'll probably always be with us, who get offended by comedy. And I used to not mind until it occurred to me one day; most people who get offended at jokes watch porn! Like, pretty much all of them! There's someone right now watching torture porn going (mimicking someone masturbating) "I hope nobody makes a joke about a fuckin' swimmer's nose!" And then you get these people who defend comedy and say "oh this is a free speech issue", it's not a free speech issue; it's an artistic license issue. You're allowed to talk about it because it's not real on some level, right? There will always be people who won't get it, there's always those people who go "I think you'll find that if two blokes actually took a crocodile into a pub, there would be fucking carnage." But it's not real, so we get to joke about it. I think people sometimes get confused with how they use humour in their own life with what this is. So most people use humour as a form of politeness, as an ice breaker - this isn't that. This is sentences that end in a very surprising way."

"At least Theresa May went, she had to go didn't she? Towards the end she had all the authority of the "Do Not Tumble-dry" label. She always had the charm of a fucking war crime. Towards the end her body language had gone; I didn't realise it was possible to limp with both legs. So now we've got Boris Johnson; an evolutionary dead-end of the Honey Monster. A bin bag of albino body parts. A cross between the Incredible Hulk and a Haribo fried egg... is the fucking prime minister! The Prime Minister! It's not just that he's the worst person for the job, he might be the worst mammal! And let's not forget how they create these people; they're created in the public school system, that's where they lose their empathy. They're forged in the crucible of hierarchical sodomy. That's why they can't get along, the last time the cabinet saw eye-to-eye it was over the back of a weeping first year. Incidentally, I'm not one of those people who thinks there's a paedophile ring in Westminster, I think it's probably more of a queue."

"(Speaking about Comic Relief and charity) Look, there's a colonial side to British charity, it's true; look at Yemen, right? We're the number one provider of weapons and bombs and expertise to Saudi Arabia that they use to bomb Yemen, to engineer a famine in Yemen. At the same time, we're the number two provide of aid to Yemen - and why not? Life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid."

"People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that you were all dead."

"Hello you cunts, black power!"

"American foreign policy is horrendous 'cause not only will America come to your country and kill all your people, but what's worse, I think, is that they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad. Oh, boo hoo hoo. Americans making a movie about what Vietnam did to their soldiers is like a serial killer telling you what stopping suddenly for hitchhikers did to his clutch."

"I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she’d just fucking died. But they wouldn’t have been able to tell us that she’d died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it."

"(Speaking about Pope Benedict XVI's resignation) The Pope must have done something that even the Catholic church found unacceptable. My theory is that he fucked an adult woman."

"Comic relief raised £8 million last year. Britain sold hundreds of millions worth of weapons last year to Africa. So next year, one country in Africa will get blown to smithereens, and the next country along will get a visit from Lenny Henry. And both will feel bitterly jealous of each other."

"(Speaking about French and Italian tabloids printing naked topless photos of Kate Middleton) A family of billionaire perverts [the Royal Family] going nuts about a picture of a pair of tits. The hypocrisy of the British press, [mimicking British press] “oh we wouldn’t print these pictures of tits”. I had to go past pictures of tits to read about how you wouldn’t print pictures of tits. I went past good pictures of tits to read about some shit tits. The only reason Kate Middleton is pregnant is because her tits aren’t worth finishing on."

"(on his previous "department of nigger-bombing" joke) That actually comes from a quote by Lloyd George. Lloyd George, when he was British Prime Minister, said "Britain reserves its right to bomb niggers". And that's an important quote, because once you hear that, you realise that Britain has always been racist from the top down. I thought it's worth using that in a joke for, it's worth using that word for. Guy came up to me after a gig in Glasgow, a white guy, and he said "I don't think that you should ever use the word nigger, in any context." And I said, "Well, you've just used it." And do you know what he said? He said what I kind of hope I would say in the same circumstances. He went "No, I didn't." See, you can't really ban words, right? Ricky Gervais got in trouble for saying "mong", I don't know why he did it, he didn't seem to be able to make it very funny. You can't ban a word! Even a horrible word like that. That's like saying, "Let's just burn one book. Let's just burn Mein Kampf. It's a horrible book, nobody likes it. At the point you burn Mein Kampf, you're a fucking fascist society. And you're not even a proper fascist society, because you've burnt the fucking guide book! You're on marching about in peach military uniforms, invading Poundland. (adopts German accent) "Why did you burn the guide book? Why did you burn the guide book, you fucking spastic?!" "You can't call me that, Herr Groppenführer. That word has been banned. You must call me der Nincompoop!""

"There's a place for McCanns jokes, it's probably here. It's probably not on Dictionary Corner on Countdown. "And as we go into the break, we'd like to remind you that MADDIE is an anagram of I'M DEAD.""

"TV's a fantasy, right? It's a middle class, bourgeois fantasy. You look at daytime TV and how aspirational it is, then ask yourself "who's watching daytime TV?" Benefit cheats, and prisoners. They don't buy and sell antiques. They don't renovate houses to sell them on. They don't have stuff in their attic and if they did have stuff in their attic, it'd be fucking Shannon Matthews."

"There's two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope they're dead in a fucking car crash!"

"You've got a blank face there pal, if you hold that expression for long enough in a hospital you'd get fucking switched off."

"Religion's just what we thought before we understood what mental illness was. "A bush talked to me!" "Brilliant, what did it say? What did the bush say? Let's live our lives by what the bush said!" You stupid fucking cunts."

"Ministry of Defence? At least in the old days we were honest, called it the Ministry of War. "Hello, Ministry of War, department of nigger-bombing. How can I help?""

"Apparently Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting each other over custody of Harvey, well eventually one of them’ll lose and have to keep him. I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fucking her."

"They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon."

"The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway."

"I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?"

"Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'."

"Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now; an alcoholic racist!"

"Unions were created to make living conditions just a little better than they were before they were created, and the union that does not manifest that kind of interest in human beings cannot endure, it cannot live."

"Nigel Farage is still trying to whip up fear and hatred towards refugees who are fleeing from conflict. It was extremely ill-judged of him to describe himself as a victim."

"Cut is the Sure Start maternity allowance. Has [the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith] no idea at all that supporting a family and getting the children out of poverty when the babies are born can save money from the public purse for years to come? Instead, he wants to cut support from the babes in their mothers' arms. At least Margaret Thatcher had the grace to wait until the children were weaned before snatching their support."

"I have to say, Mr. Deputy Speaker, the Ministers are like fraudsters in the fairy tale, telling gullible Liberal Democrat MPs about the beautiful progressive clothes that the emperor is wearing, if only they are clever enough and loyal enough to see them. And desperately, we have Liberal Democrats clinging to shreds of invisible cloth, reaching deep into their Liberal and Conservative history to pretend that they can be progressive now. They are claiming that Keynes might have backed the Budget. They are calling on Beveridge for support, kidding themselves that they can call on their history and that they are following in the footsteps of great liberal Conservatives like Winston Churchill, who supported the minimum wage, but the truth is that the emperor has no clothes. The truth is that if you look at the detail, the Budget is nastier than any brought in by Margaret Thatcher. Instead of Churchill, Keynes or the founders of the welfare state, the Liberal Democrats have signed up, with the Right Honourable Member for Chingford and his Chancellor, to cut support for the poor. It is perhaps apt that in this week of World Cup disappointments, it was actually a footballer who got it right. In 2002, after England were defeated in the World Cup by Brazil, Gareth Southgate reflected ruefully on England's performance and said: "We were expecting Winston Churchill and instead got Iain Duncan Smith." That is the reality for the Liberal Democrats now. With all their high hopes, they have betrayed the poor and the vulnerable, whom they stood up to defend. [The Minister of State, Department for Work and Pensions (Steve Webb) rose] I will give way to the hon. Gentleman because I know he has a history of supporting people on low incomes and I do not know why he is betraying it now."

"I decided I don't want to go for the top job now. I could be working for another 25 years and I'd like to be reading bedtime stories to my children for another two or three years."

"Sexism in politics is nothing new when you're standing for election. But don't stand for election and it's almost as bad. Shockingly, David Cameron thought it acceptable to claim this week that my decision not to run for the Labour leadership was because my husband, Ed Balls, "stopped [me] from standing.""

"Some in the Labour Party want to blame our defeat only on the leadership. Others want to blame it only on Brexit. Yet it was about both of those things and more. In our towns in Yorkshire, we knocked on thousands of doors trying to persuade people to stick with Labour. Some said they just didn’t want Jeremy Corbyn to be Prime Minister. Others were fearful that we wouldn’t stand up for national security. Some wanted Brexit done and felt angry and let down. We found little enthusiasm for Boris Johnson. One woman told me in tears that she was voting Tory for the first time and she was furious with us for making her feel like she had to do it."

"She's very sharp analytically; she gets to the absolute core of an issue very quickly. Certainly, seeing her in action with officials, they know they going to have to be well-briefed. So she's a very clever person; a good operator and also a pretty decent human being which is important in politics and a bit rare."

"She came recommended to me as someone who was very much a Labour person but also a very clever economist so I was very much looking forward to meeting her. And then this slip of a girl raced up at party conference and said 'I'm Yvette' and when I thought of all the experience she had had and all the brains that she had, it seemed to be impossible that someone so young was that person. She is very remarkable because she combines being very, very clever without any shred of arrogance which is quite unusual in a politician, I have to say. She also combines being very steely and determined but without being macho [...] She doesn't talk in a way that excludes people, so on the GMTV sofa, she can speak to people in a way that they understand."

"I think the reason she's got so many votes in the Parliamentary Labour Party is because there's nobody, really, who doesn't like and admire Yvette... she doesn't make people feel rivalrous of her."

"She was a formidable intellect and it's no surprise to me or anyone else around here that she's done as well as she has."

"This dangerous rapist should not be in a women's prison and it should be clear that if someone poses a danger to women and committed crimes against women they should not be being housed in a women's prison."

"I've been rather warming to Yvette Cooper over the last year or two. She was one of those new Labour women whom Tories loved to hate at first. I found her pretty irritating. There was something slightly cold and zombie-like in which she used the apparatchik-speak language of New Labour politics and never really seemed to engage with people. She seemed too much like an operative and not enough like a minister. But I've noticed her changing. She's relaxed. She's got funnier."

"My start, my childhood, was less than auspicious. But when I was young, we didn’t know we lacked anything, because we had nothing to compare it to — and there's a freedom in that. I had a very hard working mother and father, I think of them both a great deal. I got my break — big break — when I was five years old. And it's taken me more than seventy years to realize it. You see, at five, I learned to read. It's that simple, and it's that profound. I left school at thirteen, I didn’t have a formal education, and I believe I would not be standing here tonight, without the books, the plays — the scripts. It's been a long journey from Fountainbridge to this evening — with you all. Though my feet are tired, my heart is not."

"There are women who take it to the wire. That's what they are looking for, the ultimate confrontation. They want a smack."

"An open-handed slap is justified – if all other alternatives fail and there has been plenty of warning. If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I'd do it."

"When I spoke about Bond with Fleming, he said that when the character was conceived, Bond was a very simple, straightforward, blunt instrument of the police force, a functionary who would carry out his job rather doggedly. But he also had a lot of idiosyncrasies that were considered snobbish — such as a taste for special wines, et cetera. But if you take Bond in the situations that he is constantly involved with, you see that it is a very hard, high, unusual league that he plays in. Therefore he is quite right in having all his senses satisfied — be it Warmth, wine, food or clothes — because the job, and he with it, may terminate at any minute. But the virtues that Amis mentions — loyalty, honesty — are there, too."

"I suppose more than anything else I'd like to be an old man with a good face, like Hitchcock or Picasso. They know that life is not just a popularity contest."

"I regretted I was not the head of a clan; however, though not possessed of such an hereditary advantage, I would always endeavour to make my tenants follow me."

"My lord and Dr Johnson disputed a little, whether the savage or the London shopkeeper had the best existence; his lordship, as usual, preferring the savage."

"As all who come into the country must obey the King, so all who come into an university must be of the Church."

"In every place, where there is any thing worthy of observation, there should be a short printed directory for strangers."

"Influence must ever be in proportion to property; and it is right it should."

"The best good man, with the worst natur'd muse."

"I fancy mankind may come, in time, to write all aphoristically."

"I jumped up on the benches, roared out, "Damn you, you rascals!", hissed and was in the greatest rage. [...] I hated the English; I wished from my soul that the Union was broke and that we might give them another battle of Bannockburn."

"'Sir,' said Mr Johnson, 'a lawyer has no business with the justice or injustice of the cause which he undertakes, unless his client asks his opinion, and then he is bound to give it honestly. The justice or injustice of the cause is to be decided by the judge.'"