"That's the problem with our obsessions: to always see two sides of every issue equally, especially when one side has a lot of money. It means we have to pretend there are always two two truths, and the side that doesn't know anything has something to say. On this side of the debate: every scientist in the world. On the other: Mr. Potato-Head. There is no debate here; it's just scientists and non-scientists, and since the topic is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy argumentum ad numerum, the idea that something is true because great numbers believe it, as in "Eat shit. 20 trillion flies can't be wrong.""

"The last decade, year, and month are all the hottest on record. And then there's the floods, the killing of the oceans, Category 5 hurricanes, giant wildfires, the vanishing water supply; you know, the little things. And yet deniers say "It's just a theory." As is gravity. Y'know, for progress to happen, certain things have to become not an issue anymore so we can go on to the next issue. Evolutions was an issue until overwhelming support among scientists made it not an issue. Devastating worldwide climate change is happening, whether you phone in for it or not. You can't vote for rain. What's real is what's real, and, like it or not, no one can change the nature of reality. Except with mushrooms and Pabst Blue Ribbon."

"But my question about that whole flap — the Republicans are very angry. Dick Cheney said, 'I'm an angry father.' If it's not shameful to be gay, why are their panties in a bunch about this? I mean… Right? They talk about her like she's some retarded monster they have chained in the attic. You know, if being gay is not that, why is it a controversy to bring her up? … It's an issue in this election. Don't talk about my daughter, who we're trying to discriminate against, in a constitutional amendment."

"I was watching Andrea Mitchell… talking about debates, and she said, 'A sighing Gore, a sweating Nixon, a seemingly bored Bush, those unfortunate, unscripted moments that voters sometimes remember most.' And I thought, yeah, they remember most because you show it on a loop on your media 24 hours a frigging day! That's why they remember it most! It's not the voters who — it's what the media pick — the media picks out a few moments and they show it over and over again. And then people go, 'Well, Gore sighed; he's toast.'"

"And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?"

"I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night… She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch.' …And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush — because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band."

"He went to Vietnam because as a young man, he thought that was the right thing to do. He saw what was going on in Vietnam, came back, threw his medals away, changed his mind. Is it wrong that a guy goes to the slaughterhouse and comes back a vegetarian? Isn't that what thinking people do?"

"Let's be honest - this electorate has switched because that Christian right has taken over the Republican Party. They started it in the '80s with Reagan and Pat Robertson. And like a parasite on a host, they now own it… Let's examine what 'moral values' are. Because I don't think religion always corresponds with moral values. To me — and they're very good at conflating morality with religion, just the way George Bush won election by conflating integrity with monogamy. He ran against Bill Clinton and his terrible blowjob by saying, 'I have integrity.' That's different than monogamy. Okay, the same way, when we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That's something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. That's different. When they talk about values, they're talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values."

"New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass."

"The key lesson to me of Vietnam is that you cannot outlast insurgents in their own country. This idea that when Bush says, 'Well, we can't say we're going to pull out in six months because they'll only have to wait six months and a day.' They'll wait a hundred frigging years if they have to!"

"Hank Moody: "All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong. I’m always the fucking asshole. I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am.""

"Charlie Runkle: "I love the condom, keeps me in the game...""

"Hank Moody (after being punched): Ow! Your pimp hand is strong!"

"Trixy: No! Not in the face. He's too cute."

"Al Moody: "Your mother was into all of that catholic guilt shit, not me. Life's too short to dance with fat chicks.""

"Hank Moody: He used to call you a walking penis!"

"Paul Dinello - Tad"

"David Cross - Russ Lieber"

"Heterosapien"

"Applepious"

"Libertease"

"Star-Spangled"

"Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert"

"Factose Intolerant."

"You gave us Neil Young, we give you me."

"Colmes-free since 2009"

"Respected... Trustworthy... Smooth."

"America's most described journalist."

"There's only one word to describe it: Trustigious."

"Purple-Mounted"

"Eric Drysdale - Bobby"

"Lincolnish"

"Überballed"

"From C to Silent T"

"He's a journalist with gravitas, with dignity, with balls."

"It's French. Bitch."

"Steering the great ship of News through the channels of Truth."

"It's what Lincoln would have watched."

"If this were Venezuela, they'd nationalize him."

"No. Free. Rides!"

"President Bush, have a hotdog with me."

"Multi-grain."

"Liza Minnelli - Lucille Austero (Lucille 2)"

"Henry Winkler - Barry Zuckerkorn"

"Judy Greer - Kitty Sanchez"

"Jeffrey Tambor - George Bluth Sr. / Oscar Bluth"

"Jessica Walter - Lucille Bluth"

"Ron Howard - Narrator"

"Patricia Velasquez - Marta"

"Alia Shawkat - Mae "Maeby" Fünke"