"New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you."

"iPhone's price reduction wasn't a price cut, it was a reduction of the nerd tax."

"I'm sure if you asked "What would Jesus veto?", it wouldn't be health care for sick kids."

"Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four?"

"Will Shadley — Brian Darling, Jr."

"Shawn Michael Patrick — Clark"

"Sofía Vergara — Sofia"

"Laura Margolis — Daisy"

"Sheryl Lee — Andrea Smithson"

"Chloë Grace Moretz — Kiki George"

"Bellamy Young — Ellen Darling"

"Candis Cayne — Carmelita"

"Roxana Brusso — Maria"

"Daniel Cosgrove — Freddy Mason"

"Lucy Liu — Nola Lyons"

"Jill Clayburgh — Letitia "Tish" Darling"

"Kristin Bauer — Rebecca Colfax"

"Tamara Feldman — Natalie Kimpton"

"Seth Gabel — Jeremy Darling"

"Samaire Armstrong — Juliet Darling"

"Zoe McLellan — Lisa George"

"Natalie Zea — Karen Darling"

"William Baldwin — Patrick Darling IV"

"Glenn Fitzgerald — Brian Darling, Sr."

"Blair Underwood — Simon Elder"

"Michelle Krusiec — Mei Ling Hwa Darling"

"Peter Krause — Nick George"

"Donald Sutherland — Patrick "Tripp" Darling III"

"Al Moody: "Your mother was into all of that catholic guilt shit, not me. Life's too short to dance with fat chicks.""

"Trixy: No! Not in the face. He's too cute."

"Charlie Runkle: "I love the condom, keeps me in the game...""

"Hank Moody: He used to call you a walking penis!"

"Hank Moody (after being punched): Ow! Your pimp hand is strong!"

"Hank Moody: "All my fucking life, people have been telling me I do things wrong. I’m always the fucking asshole. I look around and I see everybody else is infinitely more fucked up than I am.""

"Lorenzo Lamas: ...I'm saying that Muslim terrorists destroyed the Trade centers"

"Jennifer Lang: Hillary Clinton said that her faith got her through her marriage crisis. Bill Clinton said that Faith also got him through his marriage crisis, although he can't remember Faith's last name."

"Dennis Miller: Relax, we'll replace oil when we need to. American ingenuity will kick in, and the next great fortune will be made. It's not pretty, but it is historically accurate. We need to run out of oil first. And that's why I drive an SUV -- so we run out of it more quickly. I consider myself to be at the vanguard of the environmental movement. And I think individuals who insist on driving hybrids are just prolonging our dilemma, and I think that's just selfish. Come on, don't you care about Mother Earth?"

"Kurt McNally: After weeks of heated negotiations, the House finally abandoned the idea to a time line and agreed to President Bush's war funding bill. This is considered the biggest Democratic collapse since Nancy Pelosi's face lift gave out."

"Kurt McNally: Reverend Al Sharpton claims that Paris Hilton's early release from jail smacks of "racial favoritism". Paris Hilton's two-letter response was "O.J.""

"Paul Dinello - Tad"

"David Cross - Russ Lieber"

"Überballed"

"From C to Silent T"

"Heterosapien"

"Applepious"

"Libertease"

"Star-Spangled"

"Eric Drysdale - Bobby"

"Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert"

"Multi-grain."