Woody Allen

"[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own."

"...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!"

"Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning."

"Harry: You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?... Well, bad example."

"Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign.""

"Harry: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world."

"Cookie: What are you sad about? Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty. Cookie: What do you mean? Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scary waiting for Lefty than it is waiting for Godot. Cookie: You lost me! Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is? Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living."

"Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened? Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken."

"Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you."

"Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence."

"Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish."

"Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm. Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!"

"The Devil: You want me to turn the air-conditioning on? Harry: You have air-conditioning in Hell? The Devil: Sure, it fucks up the ozone layer!"

"Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."

"A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight."

"I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

"A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no.""

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."

"I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"It is a gorgeous gold pocket watch, however, I'm proud of it. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

"How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find."

"And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?"

"With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations."

"I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb."

"She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down."

"As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness."

"I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum."

"Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder."

"To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife."

"I have learned one thing. As Woody says, "Showing up is 80 percent of life." Sometimes it's easier to hide home in bed. I've done both. - 1977 August 21, New York Times, Section 2: Arts and Leisure, He's Woody Allen's Not-So-Silent Partner by Susan Braudy, Page 11 (ProQuest Page 83), New York."

"Woody Allen later wrote in a letter: "My observation was that once a person actually completed a play or a novel, he was well on his way to getting it produced or published, as opposed to a vast majority of people who tell me their ambition is to write, but who strike out on the very first level and indeed never write the play or book. In the midst of the conversation, as I'm now trying to recall, I did say that 80 percent of success is showing up." - 1989 August 13, New York Times, On Language: The Elysian Fields by William Safire."

"I WANTED nothing more than to be a foreign filmmaker, but of course I was from Brooklyn, which was not a foreign country. Through a happy accident I wound up being a foreign filmmaker because I couldn't raise money any other way."

"You know, the whole American culture is going down the drain, you can't turn on a television set and see anything, or walk in the street and not find garbage, or neighborhoods that were formerly beautiful now have McDonald's in them, and it's all a part of an enormous degeneration of culture in the United States. People that exist in that culture are forced to make moral decisions all the time about their lives, their occupations, their love-lives, and they make decisions that are commensurate with what's happening to them in this culture, and it's too bad that that's happening because that's what Manhattan is about, that New York used to be such a great city, so wonderful, and it has to fight every day for its survival against the encroachment of all this terrible ugliness that is gradually overcoming all the big cities in America. This ugliness comes from a culture that has no spiritual center, a culture that has money and education, but no sense of being at peace with the world, no sense of purpose in life. They don't know what they're doing, or why they're here. They have no religious center, they have no philosophical center, and so they act, they do what's expedient at the moment. They have no long view of society. They only have the view of quick money, and kill the pain of the moment, and so instead of dealing with the real problems that exist, that are complicated, they sweep them under the rug by turning on the television set, or taking cocaine, or doing many things that enable them to escape confrontation with the unpleasant realities of the world."

"At the time that I worked with Woody Allen, I knew nothing of the allegations. At the time, I said it's a very painful and complicated situation for the family, which I hope they have the ability to resolve....If these allegations need to be re-examined which, in my understanding, they've been through court, then I'm a big believer in the justice system and setting legal precedents,....If the case needs to be reopened, I am absolutely, wholeheartedly in support of that."

"In this land of unlimited opportunity, a place where, to paraphrase Woody Allen, any man or woman can realize greatness as a patient or as a doctor, we have only one commercial American filmmaker who consistently speaks with his own voice. That is Woody Allen, gag writer, musician, humorist, philosopher, playwright, stand-up comic, film star, film writer and film director."

"With the possible exception of What's Up, Tiger Lily (1966), the schlocky Japanese spy movie to which he attached his own, sidesplitting English soundtrack, no Woody Allen movie has ever been more or less serious than another of his works. He's always been serious. It's the audiences who have been frivolous. In Zelig he reassures us that he can still be funny and moving without making the sort of insistent filmic references in which he delights but which can be infuriating to others. Zelig is a nearly perfect — and perfectly original — Woody Allen comedy."

"This is Woody Allen's 41st film. He writes his films himself, and directs them with wit and grace. I consider him a treasure of the cinema."

"Woody Allen is currently having non-incest with a non-daughter for whom he is a non-father because they have no concept of families...it's a weird environment out there."

""In Woody Allens Manhattan geht es um eine Liste der überschätztesten Kreativen aller Zeiten"

"Die Liberalität der Produzenten, die Hoffnung der Produktionsfirmen und der Glaube des Publikums ermöglichten die größte One-Man-Show, die die Welt seit Chaplin gesehen hat."

"Ich möchte nicht durch meine Arbeit Unsterblichkeit erlangen. Ich will unsterblich werden, indem ich nicht sterbe. Ich möchte nicht in den Herzen meiner Landsleute weiterleben. Ich will in meinem Apartment weiterleben."

"Ich habe keine Angst vor dem Tod, ich möchte nur nicht dabeisein, wenn’s passiert."