UHF (film)

"Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!"

"Sex with furniture, what do you think?"

"Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!"

"You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."

"Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?"

"[to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!"

"Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!"

"[Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!"

"[while sculpting a plate of mashed potatoes] This means something. This is important!"

"WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!"

"[Grinning] This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, 'cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS HELL , AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!""

"Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!"

"I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [singing] DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! [Thugs push him into the closet] Don't you like Bonanza?!"

"This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this."

"Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww."

"This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!"

"(The broadcast which gets Channel 8 shut down by the FCC) This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!! You think I CARE about the pea-brained yokels of this town?! If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first!! I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!"

"[speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity..."

"Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Look. It sticks."

"This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] Oh look! They're really mad now!"

"For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly."

"Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

"Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!"

"Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!"

"Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red."

"Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company."

"Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!"

"Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!"

"Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items."

"Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]"

"Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare."

"Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!"

"Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!"

"TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater."

"A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant."

"It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic."