Karl Pilkington

"[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later - Karl interprets the phrase Waste not, want not."

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad - Karl re-evaluates the phrase A stitch in time saves nine."

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'"

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it."

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."

"Language is a powerful thing init...er..."

"Could the world fall?"

"It serves a purpose."

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

"On homosexuals- They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that -Podcast Series 1 Episode 2"

"On homosexuals- I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that - Video Podcast|Video Podcast 5"

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"

"(After chatting about the Serbian sex machine invention and Karl said 'Did it have to be a woman or could they have got a gay fella in - butt plugs and that').."

"All I'm sayin is.. I've since found out what they do do with 'em.. and if they do do that with them.. give 'em a go on that."

"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now."

"If it's all about arse, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?"

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"

"If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26. He didn't look 26 last week, and he looks older than 28 today."

"From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!"

"Were you a tall baby?"

"Yeah, we'll do that, Lanky."

"Well, you took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no-one else would probably wanna go with you."

"The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money."

"Is there anyone else that you look like, Steve, or would you say you're a bit of a one-off?"

"On Steve's dancing ability- er, it's just like a bit of weird art"

"Like I say, the first time I saw Steve I was never havin' a go, it was just, 'oh that's different' but you know, Steve, I was never havin' a go, it's just that thing, 'oh right interesting'"

"Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer."

"The Web is the new book though, innit?"

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"

"Just pop it on your wrist. - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work."

"It's not going to change the world. But neither did the egg-cup."

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."

"Whats good with a holiday right.. say if you work in a factory from 8 in the morning till 8 at night, packin socks into a rubber bag right.. between 8 and.. what time did i say he finishes?"

"It was good to know that if everything did go tits up, there's someone else in the world who would put up with me"

"What do dogs do? Sniff each other's arse. They don't knock about going "Let's try a chatup line.""

"Get married, get on with it, email us the pictures, we're happy to have a look."

""I've got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight." That's when you know an event's overstaffed."

"I'm really happy, I just don't choose to show it."

"If you had 5 photos of anuses, I could not point mine out"

"This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it"

"People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life."

"Who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else?"

"I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first."

"I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it."

"12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles. All this way you've got me licking fish."